Genesis 46-50: Joseph - SUPER cut throat businessman

So, Jacob et al head to Egypt. On the way God appears to Jacob in a dream, saying basically, "I know I said to stay in Canaan, but don't worry about going to Egypt, because I will be with you." Well that's just grand, God. God also says, "I will make you into a great nation there." Yeah, we'll see how that works out.

Then it lists out all of Jacob's descendants who are going with him to Egypt. Snore.

So they get to Goshen, which is the area of Egypt that Joseph told them to go to. Apparently Goshen is some of the best land in Egypt. Though I'm not sure why it matters, nothing is supposed to be growing anywhere because of this famine.

Joseph meets them there, and says he's going to go tell the Pharaoh that they arrived. He says they should all tell the Pharaoh that they are shepherds, so they will be allowed to settle in Goshen. Aside from being some of the best land, Goshen is apparently also where the Egyptians dump all the shepherds that they don't like. Hmm, great plan Joseph.

So Joseph and 5 of his brothers go see the Pharaoh, and he lets them live in Goshen. He also says that if any of them are super awesome shepherds, that they should watch the Pharaoh's animals. Fantastic. We never learn whether any of them become the royal shepherd though.

Then Joseph brings in Jacob. Jacob blesses the Pharaoh, then the Pharaoh asks Jacob how old he is (130), then Jacob blesses him again (I guess being 130, maybe he forgot that he did that already).

So the famine goes on, and eventually people run out of money to buy their own food back from Joseph. They say, "Oh, come on, just give us some food! Or would you rather we died, you prick?" Joseph, being a total prick, tells them that he will accept their livestock in exchange for food.

Then everyone runs out of livestock, and Joseph gives them food in exchange for their land and "bodies" (so they're all slaves now?). Apparently every single person in Egypt had to give up all their land to Joseph, except for the priests, who somehow had their own supply of food.

So, Joseph and the Pharaoh now owns all the money, all the food, all the livestock, all the land, and all the people in Egypt. Seriously, WTF? Also, does this mean that Hebrew slavery in Egypt is Joseph's fault? That would be freaking hilarious.

So now that he owns everything, Joseph gives people seeds to plant. But because it's the Pharaoh's land, 1/5 of anything grown belongs to the Pharaoh. But, Joseph was already taking 1/5 of everything even back when the Pharaoh didn't own everything, so I'm not sure what difference this is supposed to make.

Suddenly it's 17 years later, and Jacob is on the verge of death. He makes Joseph swear to bury him in that cave where Abraham and Isaac are buried. It's another appearance of "put your hand under my thigh!" Genesis 47:29.

So I guess at some point in this chapter the famine was over.

Chapter 48, Jacob is still dying. Joseph brings his 2 sons to see Jacob. Jacob claims the 2 kids as his own (WTF???) and says any more kids Joseph has can be Joseph's. He also rambles on for a while about how God appeared to him, and how Rachel died in Canaan.

Then Jacob seems to suddenly notice Joseph's (now Jacob's?) 2 kids (I'm my own uncle! I'm learning all about "traditional families," as defined by the bible). He put his right hand on the younger kid's head, and his left hand on the older kid's head, and blessed them. Apparently this was backward and Joseph was upset about it. But Jacob says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. The younger one will be greater, that's why I'm doing it this way."

Then Jacob promised Joseph "the ridge of land I took from the Amorites with my sword and my bow." Fantastic.

Then Jacob got all of his 12 sons together and defined them as the 12 tribes of Israel, and "gave each the blessing appropriate to him." Yeah, yeah. "Joseph is a fruitful vine...prince among his brothers." The rest of them get blessings like: "Simeon and Levi...cursed be their anger...I will scatter them in Jacob." or "Issachar is a rawboned donkey...he will bend his shoulder...and submit to forced labor." Yeah, Jacob fucking hates all of his children, except for Joseph, so he blessed them "appropriately."

Then, finally, Jacob dies. He gets embalmed and mourned for 70 days by the Egyptians. Then Joseph gets permission from the Pharaoh to go bury Jacob. So he goes, with his brothers and a bunch of the Pharaoh's officials. They get to the cave, they mourn for 7 more days, then the bury him.

Joseph's brothers are scared Joseph will try to exact his revenge, now that Jacob is dead. But Joseph is like, "No way. God made it happen so I could save people from the famine. Also, you should fear God instead of me." Hmm.

Joseph stayed in Egypt. In his old age, he told his brothers that surely God would take them back to the land that He promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. And when that time comes, they are to dig up his (Joseph's) corpse and take it with them. WTF??? Yeah crazy man, I'm sure your decaying remains will have a jolly old time in the promised land.

Then he died at 110 and was buried in Egypt.

And that's how Genesis ends...charming.

Genesis 42 - 45: Joseph - the awkard reunion

Flash over to Jacob and his remaining 11 sons. (And his one daughter! Just kidding, she isn't mentioned. After serving her one purpose, getting raped and triggering the slaughter of a whole city, I suspect we will never hear of her again.) They begin to feel the effects of the famine over in Canaan, so Jacob tells his sons, (paraphrasing) "Word on the street is they have food in Egypt, why don't you go buy some?" He doesn't let the youngest, Benjamin, go because he doesn't want him to get hurt. Joseph and Benjamin are the only 2 to have Rachel as a mother; I guess in Joseph's absence Benjamin is now the favorite.

So, the 10 of them go to Egypt, and are shown to Joseph who is in charge of all the food. Joseph knows who they are, but for some reason they don't recognize him. Joseph is pissed at his brothers, and starts yelling about how they are spies. They explain who they are, and let it slip that they have one more brother (idiots). So Joseph says that to prove their honesty, they must wait in jail while one goes and gets the other brother and brings him here. (Why? Does he want all his brothers there at once so he can exact his revenge? Does he just really miss Benjamin? Is he just being a dick? I have no idea.) Then he throws them all in jail for 3 days.

3 days later, I guess Joseph has had a chance to cool off. He tells them that only one of them must wait here in jail, while all the others go back with food for their starving families. But they must bring the youngest back, "so that your words may be verified and that you may not die." Die? Huh?

Then the 10 brothers have a little conversation among themselves about how they are being punished for what they did to Joseph. It seems odd to me that they should happen to think of that at that moment, since they couldn't recognize Joseph. Are they really that guilty about it still, after all these years?

So Joseph has Simeon taken away, then he gives orders for their bags to be filled with grain, and for their money to be put back in their bags. Err, why? Joseph is willing to take money for food from starving Egyptians, but not his no-good double-crossing family?

Maybe he gave them their money back to freak them out, because that's just what happens. They find their money later, and "Their hearts sank and they turned to each other trembling and said, "What is this that God has done to us?" "

So they get home and relate this story to Jacob (in typical biblical fashion: excruciating detail). Jacob refuses to let them take Benjamin to Egypt, saying: "You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me!" and "My son will not go down there with you; his brother is dead and he is the only one left."

Wow, Jacob is dramatic. Also, Jacob...you have 11 sons. Unless for some retarded reason you are only counting the children you had with Rachel. I know Rachel was your favorite wife and all, but to pretend like your other 10 sons don't exist seems just a little bit unfair.

So, they leave Simeon in jail, and life goes on I guess. Eventually they eat all the food they got, so Jacob tells his sons to go get some more. They're like, "uh, we can't go back there without Benjamin." Jacob moans and groans for a while, then he's like, "fine, but I don't like it." He tells them to take Benjamin, and also gifts...honey, almonds, etc (I thought there was a famine on, where are all these gifts coming from?), and extra money so they can pay for the food they got before also.

They go to Egypt. Joseph sees them all and tells the steward of his house to bring them home for lunch. They're pretty freaked out about being summoned to Joseph's house, they think it's because they didn't pay for their food last time. They tell the steward that they don't know how they ended up with their money back last time, but they brought it back. The steward is like, "don't worry about it!" Then he goes and gets Simeon out of jail.

Joseph shows up, and they present their gifts to him. He asks about their father, and when he sees Benjamin he has to run out of the room and cry for a while. Hmm, I guess he did just really miss Benjamin. Then he came back, and they all "feasted and drank freely." Aww.

Then it was time to go...Joseph told the steward to give them grain, to put their silver back in their bag, and to put his (Joseph's) fancy silver cup in Benjamin's bag. Then he told the steward to chase after them and accuse them of stealing the fancy silver cup. They say, "If any of your servants is found to have it, he will die; and the rest of us will become my lord's slaves." (Idiots!)

So of course, Benjamin is found with the cup. They "tore their clothes" and returned to the city. Joseph says, (paraphrase) "Don't worry! Only the one who had the cup must be my slave, the rest of you are free to go."

Judah makes this long plea to Joseph (seriously, it goes on for an entire chapter). Oh please, if we come back without Benjamin it will break our poor father's heart, he will die of sorrow. I personally guaranteed Benjamin's safety, if we come back without him it will be bad for me. And so on and so forth. Therefore, please let me stay as your slave instead of Benjamin.

Then "Joseph could no longer control himself." He tells all his servants to leave, and then reveals himself to his brothers. He tells them not to feel bad about what they did, and that he's not angry (gee, I would have never guessed that from the way he's been acting...). It's not their fault, God brought him here so that he could save people from this famine.

Then he tells them to go get their father and all their households and move them here to Egypt...there's 5 more years of famine coming, so they may as well come closer so Joseph can provide for them.

So they are sent back to Jacob with shiny new clothing, more food, and carts for the women and children. They tell him that Joseph is alive and in charge of Egypt, and they should move up there. After a bit of convincing, Jacob says, "I'm convinced! My son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die." Fantastic.

Genesis 37-38: Apparently, every sperm is sacred

So, after galavanting around for 20+ years, Jacob comes home and settles down (apparently for good) in Canaan, just like Isaac and Abraham.

Joseph was Jacob's favorite (you know he had a favorite, they all do). Jacob made a "richly ornamented" robe for Joseph (an amazing technicolor dreamcoat, perhaps?). Joseph's brothers are super jealous, and who can blame them.

Joseph has a couple of dreams that he shares with his family...a bunch of symbolism of Joseph ruling over the rest of them. This apparently pushes Joseph's brothers over the edge, and they decide to kill him (over a dream? really?). Reuben tries to convince his brothers not to kill Joseph, so while Reuben isn't looking, they sell Joseph to some handy passing Ishmaelites. They fake Joseph's death by putting blood on his amazing robe, and Jacob buys it.

Jacob is super upset...he "tore his clothes" and "mourned for many days." This is totally the most "depth" I've seen yet to any of these characters.

Meanwhile, Joseph is taken to Egypt and sold.

Chapter 38 is all about Jacob's son Judah. All sorts of quality arbitrary Godly judgement in this chapter!

Judah goes away from his family and marries a Canaanite woman.

Wait, he's not going to go find some cousin to marry? Oh yeah, Judah is not the favorite. I bet Joseph does some inbreeding later.

Judah has 3 sons...the first one is named Er. Best name ever. But awesome-name-kid was "wicked in the LORD's sight; so the LORD put him to death." Seriously. No rhyme or reason, that's all we get.

Apparently Er lived long enough to get married though, because Judah tells the second son Onan that he must sleep with Er's wife, Tamar, to make babies for his brother. But Onan doesn't want to make babies that "would not be his" (why wouldn't they be his?), so whenever he sleeps with Tamar he "spilled his semen on the ground." This apparently was also "wicked in the LORD's sight," and Onan dies too. Really, God, really? That's what you're going to care about? It's just so trivial! So inconsequential! I suppose "every sperm is sacred" is more true than I thought.

Judah tells Tamar to go and wait until his third son was old enough to knock her up, but he never lets his third son near Tamar...it seems Judah thought Tamar was bad luck. But no, Judah, no...God just hates your kids, for no apparent reason. Or for the stupidest reason I've ever heard of.

Many years later, Judah's wife dies, Judah mourns for a while, then he goes to get his sheep sheared, and I guess Tamar happened to be in that general area. Tamar is upset that she never got to marry (or just get knocked up by? I'm confused) the third son, so she dresses up like a prostitute and waits for Judah. Judah sleeps with her, not knowing who she is. Of course, she gets pregnant.

Side note... I've noticed a pattern of the bible making it sound like people regularly get knocked up after having sex only one time. I am of the impression that that is actually fairly unlikely... just seems a bit weird.

Anyway, after that, Judah is trying the find this prostitute so he can send her the goat he promised in payment, but he can't find her. So the matter is basically dropped.

A few months later, someone tells Judah, "Your daughter-in-law Tamar is guilty of prostitution." And obviously, Judah's very first reaction is, "Have her burned to death!" But then he finds out it was he who slept with her, and he completely changes his tune to, "She is more righteous than I." What a fucking hypocrite.

So, Tamar does not get burned to death, and instead gives birth to twins. Now I wonder whether these are Judah's, or are they really Er's twins, since that's apparently how it works? Freakin' weird.

For some more random weirdness, during the birth of these twins, apparently one of them stuck a hand out, and then pulled it back in. Then the other baby came out first, and the one that stuck the hand out came second.

So...I'm really not an expert in the birthing process, but does this sort of thing EVER happen in reality? A hand coming out and then going back in? Really? What the fuck is all that about?

Is it supposed to be symbolic? If so, what could it possibly mean???

As usual, I am completely lost.

Genesis 34-36: A series of random events

So, Jacob et al are in Shechem. The son of the ruler of Shechem rapes Jacob's daughter, Dinah. Then the ruler asks Jacob et al to let Dinah marry his son. They say, "sure, but every man in your city must be circumcised." And they all get circumcised with shockingly little complaint.

Turns out, it was all a trap! While every man is still in pain from the circumcision, Jacob's sons Simeon and Levi kill every man, and take all the women and children. Harsh.

Jacob is slightly pissed off when he learns of all this, but just because he doesn't want to make any enemies and not because he felt that what they did was wrong, of course. But they say, basically, "they totally had it coming."

And God doesn't say a single thing about this, which I can only assume means he approved. WTF.

What a charming story.

Then God said, "go to Bethel," so they do. But first, Jacob tells everyone to give him their "gods," which he buries. I guess idols?

They get to Bethel safely; no one attacks them because they were too afraid...something about the "terror of God." When they get there, God shows up and says the same old line to Jacob...numerous descendants, land, blah, blah, blah. He also renames Jacob Israel, even though he already did this back when they were wrestling that one night. From here on out the Bible seems to randomly switch between Jacob and Israel...guess the name didn't really stick.

They leave Bethel and head somewhere else, we don't know where yet. On the way, Rachel dies in childbirth, but no one seems to care much. And oooh, Jacob's son Reuben slept with Jacob's "concubine," and Jacob found out about it! But that's all we get about that juicy tidbit.

Then Jacob's 12 sons are randomly listed, even though we already know who they all are. The daughter Dinah is of course not listed, even though she was totally worth murdering a whole city not one chapter ago.

Then Jacob got back to Isaac just in time to watch him die. And again, no one seems to care much...so I don't either. Seriously.

Wait, wasn't Isaac like super old and on the verge of death when Jacob left? That was at least 20 years ago (we know Jacob spent 20 years with Laban, and who knows how long the journey back took). But I'm bored with this book, so I don't care.

Yes, chapter 35 was just stuffed full of completely random events that didn't seem to have much of anything to do with anything.

Chapter 36 lists Esau's (or Edom, apparently) descendants, frankly I didn't bother to actually read it.

Oh, I got it! I bet the secrets of the universe are hidden in these really boring parts.

[some time goes by...]

Well, I've read chapter 36 now, and no, the secrets of the universe are not hidden in the boring parts. They're just boring. Though this chapter did contain a verse 42...

Genesis 31-33: The misadventures of Jacob, Pt. 2

God tells Jacob it's time to go back home. Jacob finds his two wives and goes on this massively long and bitter rant about spotted animals and how unfair Laban has been. Then Jacob and his wives and children take off secretly. Before they left, Rachel stole some stuff from Laban.

Laban catches up with them, and asks why they ran off like a bunch of jerks, and also why did you steal my stuff? Jacob doesn't know that Rachel stole something, so he tells Laban to look through his stuff and see if anything was stolen. Rachel puts the stolen goods in her camel's saddle and sits on it, and tells her father she can't get up because she's on her period. Hilarious.

So Laban and Jacob yell at each other for a while, then make a pile of rocks and each promise not to go beyond it, and they each go their separate ways. Friendly. At least they didn't kill each other or something.

Jacob sends messengers to Esau to basically grovel. They come back and say Esau is coming with 400 men. Jacob freaks out, prays (for the first time ever, possibly? God has been awfully quiet lately) for protection, and sends a bunch of animals ahead as gifts to Esau.

One night, he is alone, and "a man wrestled with him till daybreak." The "man" couldn't overpower Jacob, so he apparently dislocates (or something) Jacob's hip, and begs to be let go. Jacob says, "no, not until you bless me." The "man" renames him Israel, and blesses him. So...apparently Jacob spent all night "wrestling" with God, and wins? Sounds...dirty? Also, what the crap kind of crap God loses in wrestling to some guy? Furthermore, why exactly did God decide to wrestle with Jacob in the first place? Or did Jacob start it? Is that even possible? As usual, I'm lost.

My first thought was that it was all some story he came up with to explain why he was limping the next day...yeah, I hurt my hip wrestling with God, I'm so awesome. But really, he just fell down, or something.

The next morning, Esau comes and hugs Jacob. They talk about the kids for a while...generally a pretty friendly and benign reunion. Those crappy messengers made it sound like Esau was coming to kick ass, but apparently all is forgotten.

Jacob goes on to...Shechem, buys some land and seems to settle down.

Genesis 28-30: The misadventures of Jacob (Pt. 1)

Before Jacob leaves, Isaac tells him that while he's fleeing for his life, he may as well find one of his cousins and marry her. Then he blesses him again, and says that he hopes God will give Jacob the same blessing (curse?) he gave to Abraham and Isaac.

Hearing this, Esau finally figures it out: his parents hate the local girls. So he marries two more of them, bring his total up to 4. Way to go Esau, break that inbreeding mold.

On his way to Laban's house, Jacob is sleeping one night and has a dream. There is a stairway to heaven, and God is there telling him the usual...basically that Jacob inherits the blessing of Abraham and Isaac..

Jacob marks the place when he wakes up, and makes a vow that if he ever makes it back to Isaac's house, "the Lord will be his God." So...what, Jacob doesn't really believe yet? He's bargaining? Yeah, I'll worship you God, if you do this for me. That's hilarious.

So Jacob eventually gets near to where Laban lives, and comes across some shepherds near a well. He starts talking to them, and learns that one of his cousins, Rachel, is on her way to that well. I can't quite tell what happens next...Jacob is either trying to get rid of them so he can be alone with Rachel, or he's just randomly trying to tell the shepherds how to do their job. He basically tells them to hurry up and water their sheep and go away. The shepherds are like, hell no. They are still talking about it when Rachel comes along.

Jacob seems to instantly fall in love with Rachel...he waters her sheep for her, kisses her, cries, then tells her he's her cousin. Then she "ran and told her father." Stranger danger!!

But no, Laban likes Jacob. After Jacob has been there for a while, Laban says, you shouldn't have to work for free! Name your wage. So Jacob says he will work for 7 years for Rachel, and Laban agrees. And Rachel agreed too!!!! Just kidding! Rachel had nothing to do with it, obviously.

So 7 years later Jacob gets married and sleeps with his new wife. But the next morning he learns that it had been Rachel's older sister Leah all along! Wow...either old testament weddings happened entirely in the dark, or there were unbelievable amounts of booze involved.

Jacob tells Laban, (paraphrasing) "what the hell?" Laban explains that it is their "custom" to marry off the oldest daughter first. But if Jacob will only work for 7 more years, he can have Rachel too. Tricksy Laban!

So Jacob marries Rachel also, one week later, in exchange for promising 7 more years work.

The next part is basically a baby-making contest between Rachel and Leah. Leah has 4 babies while Rachel has none (apparently this is because God noticed that Jacob didn't like Leah much, so he took pity on her). Rachel is pissed, and tells Jacob to sleep with her servant...he knocks her up twice. Then Jacob has 2 kids with Leah's servant. Then Leah buys sex with Jacob, from Rachel, in exchange for mandrakes (WTF?) and has another son. Then Leah has another son, and a daughter. Then finally, Rachel has a son.

Busy, busy. I guess this supports that whole "quiverful" thing...have an assload of babies, or you are utterly worthless as a human being.

After (I assume) the 7 years are up, Jacob tells Laban, I want to go home, let me take my family and go. Laban says, you should totally stay, name your price. Jacob says, I'll take all the spotted or speckled animals, and Laban agrees. They split the animals up that day...Jacob's son takes care of Jacob's animals, while Jacob watches Laban's animals.

Prepare yourselves for this bit of biblical "science": Jacob tries to make Laban's animals give birth to spotted babies by making them look at bits of branches that appear spotted while they are mating. And apparently it works. .....WTF???

The strange thing is that there is actually a decent bit of science wrapped up in this story. Jacob only shows the animals the spotted branches if they are strong, thus making it so only the strong animals have spotted babies, so he'll have the strongest animals. That actually makes some sense...if you ignore the "looking at spotted things makes you have spotted babies" thing.

So, a halfway decent bit of evolutionary science (selective breeding) wrapped up in a scientific EPIC FAIL. Fascinating.

Genesis 26-27: Jacob "steals" a blessing

In chapter 26, Isaac and Rebekah go back to Gerar. When they get there, God shows up and tells them to stay here, and he reiterates his promise (I've completely lost track of how many times this is) about the numerous descendants, and this land will be yours, etc. Seriously, God, when is this going to happen? Oh yeah, in 400 years. Well then why is it so important that they stay here now?

The rest of the chapter is basically an (almost) exact copy of the time Abraham and Sarah were in Gerar. Isaac and Rebekah tell everyone in Gerar that they are siblings. Luckily for the people of Gerar, no one tries to marry Rebekah. The king of Gerar (who has the same name as before, so is possibly the exact same guy) happens to look out a window and catch the 2 making out, or something ("caressing?") So he goes on this tirade about how if someone had tried to sleep with Rebekah, God would have doomed them all in a manner most unreasonable (yeah, I'm thinking this is the same guy as before, lol).

So they stayed in that area, and "became very wealthy," apparently due to Isaac's great skill at farming (hey, at least he didn't scam for it like Abraham did). Eventually, people started to envy him, and the king told him to go away because he was too powerful.

They went away, and dug a well, but some people fought them for it...so they just kept digging wells until no one fought them anymore, and then stayed with that one. Ah, here's that "turn the other cheek" attitude I've heard so much about.

Then God comes along and (AGAIN) makes the usual promise. Seriously, God, don't you have anything else to say?

The king of Gerar comes to Isaac and asks to make an agreement that they won't harm each other, and Isaac agrees.

Esau marries TWO local girls, and his parents hate them both.

Seriously, you could replace the word "Abraham" with "Isaac", and "Sarah" with "Rebekah", and this chapter would be almost exactly the same as chapter 20-21 (with the exception that the king had apparently learned his lesson). This is getting boring.

Some time later, Isaac is an old, blind man, and wants to bless his favorite child (Esau) before he dies. So he tells Esau to go hunt something and make him some "tasty food," so that he may bless him. Don't know why he has to eat first, but whatever. Esau goes off hunting.

Rebekah hears this and tells Jacob (her favorite) to go get something from their herd so she could make some "tasty food," then Jacob could give it to Isaac and pretend to be Esau, thus stealing the blessing.

Rebekah dresses Jacob up in Esau's clothes and goatskins (Esau was apparently VERY hairy). Jacob brings the "tasty food" (sorry, it just amuses me how many times the phrase "tasty food" appears in this chapter) to Isaac. The goatskins fool Isaac into blessing Jacob...a bunch of stuff about God give you abundance, nations bow to you, and be lord over your brother.

Esau comes along later with his "tasty food," and Isaac figures out it was Jacob before. He basically tells Esau, sorry but I've only got the one blessing, your doomed to be Jacob's servant now...but eventually you will "throw his yoke from off your neck."

I really don't understand this... by "blessing," I assume it means asking God to be nice to someone. But wouldn't all-knowing God know that Isaac meant to bless Esau, but Jacob deceived him? Why is Jacob now blessed by God, while Esau is not, just because Isaac happened to say the words while Jacob was there pretending to be Esau? Shouldn't God know better? And anyway, what kind of asshole father (and God) sets it up so one brother reigns supreme, while any others are just completely fucked? Why does it have to be that way?

Anyway, Esau is pissed, and he's decided to kill Jacob as soon as Isaac is dead. So Rebekah tells Jacob to go stay with her brother, Laban, until Esau calms down.