Leviticus 11-15: Unclean!!!

So after a brief story, we're back into God handing out endless laws and rules. Now we get a big list of what's "clean" and "unclean!" Whatever that means. Of course there's no explanation. The only explanation we get for why we should care is this: "I am the LORD, who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore be holy, because I am holy."

Anyway, about food...any land animal that both chews the cud and has a divided hoof is clean. So, no pigs, no camels, etc.

Interestingly, the bible says that rabbits chew the cud. I'm pretty sure they don't. If you want to see how Christians rationalize this, click here. Basically, rabbits eat their own droppings to give their digestive tracts a second chance at getting the nutrients out. And if you assume "chew the cud" means "digest food twice" instead of specifically what you'd think it means, then yeah, fine. But then why was it translated that way?

For sea creatures, anything that has both fins and scales is clean. So, what, no dolphin? Aww!

For birds, there is a list of specific birds which are unclean, which interestingly includes bats, which are not birds. Of course this is rationalized too; apparently the original text said "winged animal," not "bird." Again, fine, but why did it get mistranslated again?

All insects are unclean, except for a few specific exceptions. The bible also says that insects have 4 legs; another glaring error, which is also rationalized. Apparently the back legs are not counted as legs. Who knew?

Also, everything that "moves along the ground" is unclean. This seems to mean things like lizards and snakes.

I guess unclean animals are only unclean when they are dead. Then anything or anyone that touches a dead unclean animal is themselves unclean until that evening.

Also, a woman is unclean after giving birth; 33 days if it's a boy, and 66 days if it's a girl. Uh, why? And why are you unclean for twice as long if it's a girl? Anyway, then she has to have the priest sacrifice a series of animals for her, then she can be clean again.

If you have a rash or boil, you have to go to the priest, who decides whether you're unclean or not. There's a whole chapter of "if it looks like this you're clean, if it looks like that you're unclean, if it looks like this you have to be isolated for this many days" blah blah blah. Funnily, there's a similar thing for moldy fabric. The priest gets to look at it and decide whether it's unclean or not.

If you happen to recover from your skin disease, you're still unclean, and must be "ceremonially cleansed" by the priest. First, you must wash your clothes (hey, that makes sense...) and shave off all your body hair. Then the priest must dip a live bird, wood and yarn into the blood of another bird (who makes this shit up?). Then 8 days later you have to sacrifice a bunch of other animals in really really tedious and stupid ways.

The priest gets to deal with moldy houses too. First, the priest decides whether it's a "defiling mold." Then the moldy bricks are removed. If the mold comes back, your entire house is declared unclean. Wow.

Women are unclean for 7 days a month because of their period. Any man that has sex with her during this time is also unclean for 7 days. Men are unclean until evening whenever they ejaculate. If a man ejaculates during sex, both people are unclean til evening. Hmm, in Genesis, God kills you for pulling out. Here, God talks so casually about ejaculating while not mid-coitus. I guess God changed his mind about that.

If someone has an "unusual discharge" they are unclean for as long as it lasts. Of course, when it stops you are still unclean until your ceremonial cleansing 8 days later! Which, of course, involves animal sacrifice with lots of tedious rules.

Well, that was kind of stupid and boring.

Genesis 28-30: The misadventures of Jacob (Pt. 1)

Before Jacob leaves, Isaac tells him that while he's fleeing for his life, he may as well find one of his cousins and marry her. Then he blesses him again, and says that he hopes God will give Jacob the same blessing (curse?) he gave to Abraham and Isaac.

Hearing this, Esau finally figures it out: his parents hate the local girls. So he marries two more of them, bring his total up to 4. Way to go Esau, break that inbreeding mold.

On his way to Laban's house, Jacob is sleeping one night and has a dream. There is a stairway to heaven, and God is there telling him the usual...basically that Jacob inherits the blessing of Abraham and Isaac..

Jacob marks the place when he wakes up, and makes a vow that if he ever makes it back to Isaac's house, "the Lord will be his God." So...what, Jacob doesn't really believe yet? He's bargaining? Yeah, I'll worship you God, if you do this for me. That's hilarious.

So Jacob eventually gets near to where Laban lives, and comes across some shepherds near a well. He starts talking to them, and learns that one of his cousins, Rachel, is on her way to that well. I can't quite tell what happens next...Jacob is either trying to get rid of them so he can be alone with Rachel, or he's just randomly trying to tell the shepherds how to do their job. He basically tells them to hurry up and water their sheep and go away. The shepherds are like, hell no. They are still talking about it when Rachel comes along.

Jacob seems to instantly fall in love with Rachel...he waters her sheep for her, kisses her, cries, then tells her he's her cousin. Then she "ran and told her father." Stranger danger!!

But no, Laban likes Jacob. After Jacob has been there for a while, Laban says, you shouldn't have to work for free! Name your wage. So Jacob says he will work for 7 years for Rachel, and Laban agrees. And Rachel agreed too!!!! Just kidding! Rachel had nothing to do with it, obviously.

So 7 years later Jacob gets married and sleeps with his new wife. But the next morning he learns that it had been Rachel's older sister Leah all along! Wow...either old testament weddings happened entirely in the dark, or there were unbelievable amounts of booze involved.

Jacob tells Laban, (paraphrasing) "what the hell?" Laban explains that it is their "custom" to marry off the oldest daughter first. But if Jacob will only work for 7 more years, he can have Rachel too. Tricksy Laban!

So Jacob marries Rachel also, one week later, in exchange for promising 7 more years work.

The next part is basically a baby-making contest between Rachel and Leah. Leah has 4 babies while Rachel has none (apparently this is because God noticed that Jacob didn't like Leah much, so he took pity on her). Rachel is pissed, and tells Jacob to sleep with her servant...he knocks her up twice. Then Jacob has 2 kids with Leah's servant. Then Leah buys sex with Jacob, from Rachel, in exchange for mandrakes (WTF?) and has another son. Then Leah has another son, and a daughter. Then finally, Rachel has a son.

Busy, busy. I guess this supports that whole "quiverful" thing...have an assload of babies, or you are utterly worthless as a human being.

After (I assume) the 7 years are up, Jacob tells Laban, I want to go home, let me take my family and go. Laban says, you should totally stay, name your price. Jacob says, I'll take all the spotted or speckled animals, and Laban agrees. They split the animals up that day...Jacob's son takes care of Jacob's animals, while Jacob watches Laban's animals.

Prepare yourselves for this bit of biblical "science": Jacob tries to make Laban's animals give birth to spotted babies by making them look at bits of branches that appear spotted while they are mating. And apparently it works. .....WTF???

The strange thing is that there is actually a decent bit of science wrapped up in this story. Jacob only shows the animals the spotted branches if they are strong, thus making it so only the strong animals have spotted babies, so he'll have the strongest animals. That actually makes some sense...if you ignore the "looking at spotted things makes you have spotted babies" thing.

So, a halfway decent bit of evolutionary science (selective breeding) wrapped up in a scientific EPIC FAIL. Fascinating.