Judges 3-5: God hires an assassin

Chapter 2 was like an overview of the many years after the conquest of the promised land. It said basically that God kept giving them leaders, and while the leader lived things were more or less OK, but as soon as they died the Israelites were right back into their "evil" ways...I guess until God picks out the next leader (which you'd think he could have done more quickly, without such a big gap for "evilness" inbetween, but whatever). Starting in chapter 3, we get some details.

We get some detail about the assassination of Eglod, which is at least a story. At some point, the Israelites let some foreigner (gasp!), Eglod, be their king. They didn't like him apparently, because they "cried out" to God, and he sent an assassin, Ehud. He went to see the king with a short sword hidden under his clothing, and told him that he had a "secret message" for him. So the king sent all this people away (idiot). When they're alone, Ehud says he has a message from God, and stabs him in the stomach. BAM!

Next time someone says they have a message from God, look out, they may be about to stab you. You never know.

And now for the clever escape...he closes the door when he leaves, and all his servants assume the king is going to the bathroom, so they wait "to the point of embarrassment." Meanwhile, Ehud gets away. How exciting. They should make that into a movie! Anyway, then he convinces the Israelites that they should attack Moab, and they kill everyone there, just like the old days.

Ehud is leader for a while, and things are good while he's alive. After he dies, the Israelites start being all "evil" again. God gets pissed, again, and gets some people with chariots (oh god no, chariots!) to "cruelly oppress" them. This goes on until the Israelites "cry out" to God, which apparently takes 20 years.

At this point, the Israelites happen to be lead by a woman, Deborah. I cannot express how surprised I am that there was ever a woman leading the Israelites. Anyway, she says that they need to go attack these people with the chariots. This whole story is really confusing and poorly written. Deborah tells this guy Barak that he needs to go attack the chariot people, who she will be leading (how the hell does she intend to pull that off? who knows.) and thus they will win. Barak says that he will only do it if Deborah leads their people with him. She agrees (but what about her mighty and nonsensical plan?), but warns him that he will get no honor from this. Because there was going to be honor for Barak in leading an army into a sham battle against a force that Deborah has already co-opted. Whatever. I clearly don't understand "honor."

They go, there's a battle, and with God's help they kill everyone except the leader, Sisera. So, apparently God can handle the chariots, he's just chosen not to all this time. Great. Anyway, Sisera gets away and makes it to Jael, who is the wife of some ally, and he takes a nap in her tent. While he's sleeping, she drives a tent peg through his head. We never get to find out why she would do this and ruin her husband's alliances, she just does it for no apparent reason. Good story-telling, that.

Then Deborah and Barak spend a chapter singing a song about how awesome they are. I don't think it's about much else.

Judges 1-2: God apparently can't handle a few chariots

So, chapter 1 is all about the Simeonites and ... Judah-ites? ... killing more Canaanites. I really thought conquering time was over, but I guess not. Whatever. Hundreds of thousands of more people die or are enslaved.

Funny, apparently in all this fighting "the LORD was with them," but also they were unable to conquer the plains, because the Canaanites had chariots fitted with iron. So,

Chariots > God

Good to know.

Then God shows up to gloat some more over how great he is at keeping promises. God is so ridiculously proud of himself over this whole clusterfuck.

All the Israelites go their separate ways. A generation later, after everyone who was around for all the conquering was dead, no one knew about God and "did evil in the eyes of the LORD." That didn't take long.

This next part is just weird. God is pissed that they're worshipping other Gods, even though he already knew that this was inevitably going to happen, presumably because he himself set it up that way. So God helps out their enemies, and they lose a bunch of battles.

Then, just to make it confusing (cause what kind of bible story would this be if it weren't confusing?), God "raised up judges, which delivered them out of the hand of those that spoiled them." So he's trying to help them out? Why? If he's so concerned about their wellbeing, he wouldn't have made them lose all their battles in the first place. I still think God has multiple personalities. Also, judges? What the fuck does that mean? The footnote says it could also be translated as "leaders."

Anyway, it doesn't work. The people ignore their new leaders and continue worshipping their other gods. Apparently this goes on for several generations, with God playing for both teams for some reason. Eventually God becomes not just angry, but "very angry," and decides that he's not going to help the Israelites at all anymore.

Numbers 22-25: Shrek and the talking donkey

Right, where was I? Oh yes, the Israelites have just started their ruthless conquest of the promised land.

The Israelites are now camped in Moab near Jericho. I guess their reputation has preceded them, because the people of Moab are pretty freaked out. The king of Moab, Balak, sends some messengers out to some guy named Balaam, who is apparently some sort of holy man, or divination guy, or something. Balak knows he can't defeat the Israelites on his own, so he wants Balaam to curse them before they fight.

The funny thing about Balaam is that he talks to the same God as the Israelites do. I don't get why there is some guy who is on God's good side already in the promised land, with all the people who are so horrible that they all need to die. I wonder what happens to God's BFF Balaam when the Israelites take over? And I wonder if there are any other secret friends of God in the promised land? There must be. This is just weird. I was expecting Balaam to either be talking to some other God, or to himself.

So Balaam asks God if he should go with Balak and curse the Israelites, and God is like, "Don't curse the Israelites! They're my favorite! Even though I've personally killed hundreds of thousands of them..." So Balaam says no. Undeterred, Balak sends fancier messengers with money. This time God tells Balaam to go with them, but not to do anything without his OK.

This next part is just weird. Balaam, as per God's instructions, goes off with the messengers to see Balak. But God is pissed off for some reason. Is anyone surprised... So God sends a couple of angels to stand in the road and get in the way. Somehow Balaam doesn't see them, but his donkey does and stops. And Balaam beats the donkey to get it going again. 3 times this happens, then God speaks out of the donkey's mouth and makes it ask, "what did I ever do to you, you jerk?" Shrek - err, Balaam - has a nice little conversation with his donkey about how frustrated he is that the donkey won't move. Like as though this happens all the time. If that happened to me, the first thing out of my mouth would be something along the lines of "holy crap, a talking donkey!" But no.

Anyway, then suddenly Balaam can see the angels in the road. The angels tell him that he shouldn't be going with the messengers, and that they are here to "oppose" him, and that they would have killed him for going on, except the donkey stopped. I so don't get this...God told Balaam to go with the messengers. Balaam says just that, and the angel is like, "OK fine, go with them." Seriously.

He gets there without being murdered by God for following God's own instructions, and then makes Balak build 7 alters (that seems extravagant), then they sacrifice a bull and a ram on each one. Then Balaam, speaking for God, says nice things about the Israelites. Balak is like, WTF!? You're supposed to curse them! I know, come stand over here; maybe it's a location problem. (Weird.) They go somewhere else, built 7 more alters, and try again...and the same thing happens. So they do it all again. Then Balak is like, "go away, you suck." *pout* But Balaam has more to say, mostly about how the Israelites will crush their enemies (which is himself. Great.) Then they part ways and go home.

Lol. While all this is going on, the Israelites are apparently getting bored again. Again! (I've said before, I really don't know who I hate more, God or the Israelites.) "The men indulge in sexual immorality" with the Moab women (men having sex with women? what's the problem!) and participate in sacrifices to somebody named Baal. God makes Moses kill all the Israelite elders for allowing this to happen.

Just as this is being decided, some poor sap comes into the camp with a Midianite woman. One of the priests stabs them both with a spear. "Then the plague against the Israelites was stopped," though it never started. Oh well. God is thoroughly impressed with this display of zealotry, and decides not to kill anyone else today (though he already killed 24,000 with that plague, so he's still way ahead). And he decides to reward that priest and all his descendants by making them priests forever. Though he's already a descendant of Aaron, so I thought this already happened. Hmm. God is clearly expert at giving you what you already have, and making it seem like a big treat.

Numbers 20-21: God kills MORE Israelites, then he finally kills someone else

Miriam (sister of Moses and Aaron) is dead. Nobody cares. Surprise.

Once again, the Israelites have no water and are bitching about it. Moses does the old trick of hitting a rock with a staff (this time the magic Levite staff from chapter 17) and makes water come out of it. But apparently this time he fucks it up somehow, because God comes along and says that Moses and Aaron are going to die before they get to the promised land. Clearly, that is totally warranted.

Then the Israelites try to negotiate passage through the land of Edom (as I recall, Edom was Jacob's brother, aka Esau) but they are denied. They don't stop badgering the King of Edom about it until he sends his army out to threaten them.

Then God makes Aaron climb a mountain just to die naked on top of it, as (clearly) fair and just punishment for Moses somehow fucking up the whole 'making water come out of a rock' thing. He's naked because he has to hike up there with his son, and once up there, he has to give his priestly clothes to his son so he can be the next priest. Like they couldn't have done that before. Fantastic.

I like how everything Moses and Aaron do seems to take place on top of a mountain, or shut away inside of a tent...away from the prying eyes of the Israelites, in other words. These 2 sound like a couple of con artists to me. Aaron probably just took his son up there to tell him about the scam and then vanished into comfortable retirement or something.

The King of Arad hears that the Israelites are coming, so he sends out an army to capture some of them. Then the Israelites "completely destroyed them and their towns," with God's eager help of course. Fantastic.

While they are going around Edom, they start bitching once more about the lack of water and how sick they are of manna. So, obviously, God sends a bunch of poisonous snakes to bite them all. "And many Israelites died." Again. God is always killing his chosen people. And, as usual, the people repent and ask Moses to pray to God for them. He does, and God tells him to make a bronze snake, so all the people who were bitten and haven't died yet could look at it and be cured. Oh what a miracle, God saves a few people from the snakebites that he himself caused! God didn't kill quite as many of his own chosen people as he was going to! What. The. Fuck.

Seriously, I am so sick of this lame story. Israelites complain, God kills a bunch of Israelites, Israelites repent, God somehow manages to stop short of killing everybody, and for some stupid reason everybody is grateful. Ugh. How many times is this going to happen? I don't know who I hate more, God or the Israelites.

They hike on through the wilderness of 5 different places for who knows how long, until they come to a place called Beer (seriously). Here, God magnanimously decides he's going to give the Israelites water. Hey, good job God! You finally figured out the #1 reason the Israelites complain about you: you never give them water, even though you clearly have the power to. Then everyone sings a silly little song about a well. It never says whether they actually got their water, or if they were just promised it and then sang about it...I'll just assume they did get it.

Then they walk through 4 more places. After that, they ask the King of the Amorites for passage through his land. I don't get whey they walked through 9 places without talking to anybody, and then all of the sudden they do. Actually, I'm not even sure where they are going, it doesn't say. Are they just wandering around the holy land looking for a fight? It sure seems that way.

Anyway, he says no, and sends his army out to attack. The Israelites fight back, and apparently win, because they take over all the Amorite cities and "settled" there. They also left no survivors. Wonderful.

I guess after all that the Israelites aren't finished with the Amorites, because they also attack the surrounding areas to get the Amorites who managed to get away. Then they go to Bashan, fight their army, win, and again leave no survivors and take over their land. And they do it all with God's help. Hey, God is finally at least helping to kill somebody besides the Israelites.

Let the conquest begin, I guess. I wonder how long this goes on for?

Numbers 15-19: God kills some more Israelites

Right, so we've just gone from Mt. Sinai to the promised land (or at least near the promised land) in like 2 chapters, God almost kills everyone a couple of times on the way there, then they get there and have a fight about whether they can conquer the natives, God tries to kill everyone again, but gets talked into doing it later rather than now. Action packed, that was.

But now, it's boring again. God demands more sacrifice now that they're in the promised land, but doesn't say why. Maybe it's because they have more because the land is so great. But I think it's because God thinks he deserves a reward for his fine behavior thus far. That seems more in line with his nature anyway.

Here's a charming little story about how the Israelites found some random guy gathering wood on the sabbath. It's not clear to me, but it looks like this guy isn't even Israelite, so he's probably not even aware of their stupid laws. Nonetheless, God decrees that everyone has to stone him to death. So they do. Aww.

I don't get why gathering wood counts as working on the sabbath, but throwing rocks and someone until their body is a useless pile of pulp is not working on the sabbath. Oh well.

Then God tells Moses that everyone has to put blue tassels on the "corners of their garments," as a continual reminder of God and his petty commandments. Random.

In chapter 16 God kills some more Israelites. Seriously, God has killed more Israelites than he has killed anyone else so far, and they are his chosen people!! WTF?!

Chapter 16 starts with Korah and 250 others who think that the privileged priest class is unfair, and that everyone is holy and thus should be equals. Lol, I think Jesus said something like that; sadly for Korah, he is way ahead of his time. Moses's solution to this obviously terrible problem is to have the dissenters and all the priests offer incense to God, and see who God picks. (But how will they tell? It doesn't say, but later we learn it's the ones that don't burn to death that are the winners.) So they do that, and God shows up and tells the priests to stand clear so he can destroy the dissenters. Apparently God has not lost his flair for the dramatic. Moses pleads with God to only destroy the leaders and spare the rest (this shit is so predictable). So God makes a hole in the earth to swallow up the leaders, and their families (God is, yet again, murdering innocent children). Then God goes ahead and burns the rest of the 250 dissenters to death, in a big "fuck you!" to Moses.

Interestingly, the bible has this to say about the hole he made for the dissenters to fall into:

They went down alive into the realm of the dead ... the earth closed over them, and they perished and were gone from the community.

Is this the first mention of some sort of afterlife? Or is this the first mention of hell? I don't really get that.

Anywho, after this happens, all the Israelites get upset, thinking that they're going to be next. Moses has another uprising on his hands. God shows up and starts smiting everyone with a plague. Moses, what a quick thinker, has Aaron make atonement for the Israelites. Apparently just when he does that the plague suddenly stops, but not before 14,700 people died.

Er, God? Just a thought...maybe if you didn't habitually murder your own people, they wouldn't "grumble" about you so much.

Chapter 17, God gets this brilliant idea for getting the people to stop their grumbling. He gets Moses to collect a staff from each of the 12 tribes and put them in the God-tent. Then, "The staff belonging to the man I choose will sprout, and I will rid myself of this constant grumbling against you by the Israelites." What the fuck is this supposed to prove?

So they do that, and surprise surprise, it's Aaron and the Levites staff that blossoms. And grows acorns, no less. So Moses shows this to everyone, then puts the Levites staff back in the tabernacle. "Put back Aaron’s staff in front of the ark of the covenant law, to be kept as a sign to the rebellious. This will put an end to their grumbling against me, so that they will not die."

I still have no idea what the fuck this is all about.

Apparently the Israelites don't get it either, because the story ends with this: “We will die! We are lost, we are all lost! Anyone who even comes near the tabernacle of the LORD will die. Are we all going to die?" Guess that didn't work.

Chapter 18 is all about the duties and privileges of the Levites and the priests. Nothing we haven't heard before really, except that they aren't going to get any land in Canaan.

Chapter 19 gives the recipe for "water of cleansing." Take one red heifer outside the camp and burn it with cedar, hyssop, and scarlet wool. Collect the ashes and mix with water.

Why, oh why, would anyone want to make this, you ask? Why, it is used to cleanse people who are unclean because they've been in contact with dead bodies. (That is so specific. I remember like 30 ways to become unclean, but you only use the "water of cleansing" for one of them?) There's a bunch of ritual given involving sprinking the water on the unclean person, and presto, clean again!

Numbers 9-14: Arrival at the promised land, some actual story

So now it's a year and one month after they left Egypt, even though Numbers started off a year and two months after Egypt. Can't this shit even be chronological? It's confusing enough as it is.

They are also still, in fact, at Mt. Sinai. Seriously.

God says, "you people be fucking sure to celebrate the passover, even though I've told you about it 10,000 times already!" Small point of order: what if I've become unclean because someone close to me died? Can I still celebrate the passover? The answer is yes, but one month later.

In their travels, God apparently controlled when they traveled and when they camped. When there was a cloud that also looked like fire (huh?) over the tabernacle, they camped until the cloud left (so what, they didn't even disassemble it to carry it? Or did God just descend upon the wagon that the pieces of the tent were in...). When the cloud left, they immediately set out again, even if it was the middle of the night. They camped as long as the cloud stayed, "Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year." And hence a journey of a few months dragged out for 40 years, apparently.

God handily suggests they make trumpets for letting people know when it's time to set out. Interestingly, God himself seems to not have either the will or the ability to let more than just a few people know when it's time to go. He also suggests they use the trumpets for other things, such as communicating in battle, or celebrating festivals. What a handy God.

Now they travel from Sinai to the Desert of Paran. And they give the marching order, again. Ugh.

People complain, and God burns some of them to death. Then Moses prays and the fire dies down. Aww.

Now here's a fantastic story. People are complaining about the manna...they want meat. Moses complains to God about how the people are upset and it's all too much for him, and he never asked to be in charge anyway. So God says he's going to help Moses out by "taking some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them [70 Israelite elders]. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone." Um, what Spirit? The Holy Spirit? This is the first we've heard of it...and far from being in everybody, as I was taught, it seems to only be in a select elite. Wonderful.

Now God turns his attention to everyone else and their complaining about not having meat. God, in an incredibly spiteful move, promises to give them so much quail to eat for the next month, that "it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it." Really? So, God makes a wind that blows the quail in from the sea, and quail cover the ground 3 feet thick for at least a day's walk in any direction from their camp. And then, for even more spite, just when they are about to eat some of it, God suddenly smites them with a plague. And all sorts of people die. Seriously. What the fuck is that all about?

Here's another weird story. Aaron and Miriam (Moses and Aaron's sister) talk about Moses behind his back. Apparently God overheard, because he calls all 3 of them together and says "Moses is my prophet! How dare you speak poorly of him!" Then he gets mad and leaves. Suddenly, Miriam has leprosy. (Why not Aaron too?) Moses asks God to heal her. God says, "I'll do it in 7 days. Let her suffer til then!" So she has to go outside the camp for 7 days, and they all have to wait. Again, what the fuck.

So now they're at Paran. God tells Moses to send some people out to scout Canaan. So what...are they there already? No idea. They return in 40 days though, so I guess they can't be far. They come back and report on all the awesome fruit that grows there, and they have an argument about whether they could conquer the people or not. (So, what, they're not even going to try talking to these people before they attack? I knew that's what they were going to do, but it still seems ridiculous.) Anyway, they describe the cities as large and fortified, and the people as so large that "we seemed like grasshoppers." Yep, you could totally take them.

The people hear this report, and suddenly Moses has an uprising on his hands. The people don't want to die in battle, and who can blame them. Some wanted to elect a new leader and go back to Egypt. (Yeah, I'm sure you'll get a warm welcome there.) Joshua and Caleb (2 of the guys in the scouting party) tell everyone again how incredibly awesome the land is and reassure everyone that they will totally win, because God is on their side. The people react to this inspiring speech by wanting to stone them to death (lol).

God comes along and says "WTF? I'm going to kill all the Israelites with a plague and start again." Cause that's his answer to everything...wipe it out and start over. Once again, Moses talks him out of it (I still don't get how it is even possible to talk God out of something). Interestingly, part of Moses' plea to God was this: "just as you have declared: ‘The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion'" Lol, when did God, or anyone, ever say that? I don't remember it. And it sure as fuck is not evident in his actions.

So God says, "Yeah, alright, I forgive them. BUT! Everyone who is at least 20 years old and has grumbled against me will die before we get to the promised land...which is pretty much everybody except for Joshua and Caleb." Yep, that is surely true forgiveness. Err, wait, I mean that is "God getting exactly what he wanted in the first place," except he spared the children. I still think God (OT God, anyway) is literally incapable of forgiveness.

Also, all of the 12 men who went scouting and came back with a "bad report" (i.e. a realistic report) about it, which started this whole thing...they were all struck with a plague right then and there. That's all of them, except for Joshua and Caleb. Wonderful. God apparently would prefer blind optimism over reality. Actually, that's not so surprising.

So Moses tells all this to the Israelites, they get upset (presumably because they don't want to die, and who can blame them), so they are like "we've learned our lesson, we want to go to the promised land now!!!" So they went on without Moses or the tabernacle, and in the direction God told them not to go. Why? I dunno. Maybe they panicked. Maybe Moses forgot to tell them the part about which direction they were supposed to go next while he was telling them that God is going to kill them soon. Anyway, they get attacked by the people living in the area, and I assume, many were killed. Fantastic.

Leviticus 20-27: Yet more random shit

Now we get a list of punishments for this stuff they aren't supposed to do.

• Sacrificing your children to Molek - stoned to death. (Who the fuck is Molek?) You also get "cut off from your people," though I don't see why that matters when you're dead.
  
• If you know of someone who sacrifices children to Molek, but you ignore it, you also get "cut off from your people." But you don't get bludgeoned to death with rocks.
• Following spiritists and mediums - cut off from your people
• Cursing your mother or father - death. Obviously.
• Adultery - both people die
• Gay sex - death for both people
• Marrying both a women and her mother - all 3 of you get to "burn in the fire, so no wickedness will be among you." Err...burn that wickedness away? Again, not sure why it matters that you got rid of your wickedness when you're dead.
  
• Bestiality - death. Also, death for the animal.
• Having sex with a women on her period - you both get cut off from your people!
• Having sex with a close family member - you get cut off from your people.
• But if you have sex with your aunt, you will both "die childless." Uh huh.
• Being a medium or spiritist - stoned to death
  

Again there is a little statement about the Israelites had better be damned sure to not follow the ways of the people they're about to conquer, because they were bad, horrible people and God hates them all. Even though God already knew they were going to be bad back in Genesis and did absolutely nothing to prevent it. I don't get this book.

Now, there's even more stupid rules to torture the priests with! Gah. The priests must not make himself unclean by handling dead bodies. They must not cut their hair or beards. The girl they marry must be a virgin. If their daughter becomes a prostitute, she must be burned to death. Any person with a "defect" cannot be a priest, clearly because he would desecrate the tabernacle if he went in it.

The priests must be ceremonially clean when they do sacrifices, otherwise they will be cut off from the people. Also, "The priests are to perform my service in such a way that they do not become guilty and die for treating it with contempt." WTF?

It says (AGAIN) that the animal sacrifices cannot have a defect (which includes everything from a wart to crushed testicles). Also, animals become eligible for sacrifice after they are only 8 days old.

Then the holidays are listed, and details about how to celebrate them are given. Seriously, it's been over all this so many times already, I'm not going to go into it again.

And here, again, is the command that Aaron light and tend the lamp in the tabernacle all night, every night. When is this guy supposed to sleep? Seriously? And, again, God says that he wants bread on the table in the tabernacle. Why, who knows.

Now here's a charming little anecdote about someone (possibly a little boy? hard to tell) who blasphemes the name of God! Oh such horribleness. Then God tells Moses to have the entire assembly stone him to death. Make an example of the cheeky bastard, I guess... I remember something about "don't blaspheme," but, interestingly, I don't remember anything about the fact that if you do, you get stoned to death. Surprise!

Funnily enough, God seems to take this opportunity to ramble on some more about his laws. Immediately after the stoning, God says, "Anyone who takes the life of a human being is to be put to death." So... I guess that means all the Israelites have to die now. As well as God himself, really. Wonderful.

He also rambles on about some other stuff at this point, but it's nothing we haven't heard already, repeatedly.

They must give the land a "sabbath," every 7th year, where they don't plant anything. We've heard this a few times before.

Now here's some stuff about property. Some confusing stuff about a "year of jubilation" every 50 years... something about how on that year, everyone is supposed to return to his family's property. So as I understand it, the Smiths own this chunk of land. But young Bob Smith buys a piece of land from the Johnsons and starts his own farm or whatever. But on the year of jubilation, Bob gives the Johnsons back "their land," for good, and goes back to the Smith land. This excludes houses in a walled city, apparently. That is so weird. But that's how it sounds.

Hmm, apparently none of this matters at all, because all the land actually belongs to God: Leviticus 25:23, God says, "The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers." WTF??? The Israelites are all going to be foreigners in the promised land? After God has been going on since Genesis about how "the land is going to be yours!" This God makes no fucking sense.

Also, more thinly veiled threats from God...apparently the land will only produce food if the Israelites are good and do what they're told.

There's some stuff about how you really shouldn't take advantage of poor Israelites... don't turn them into slaves or whatever. Nope, the slaves are supposed to come from other nations. This part downright encourages them to enslave other people, actually.

Here's that threat from God again...do what I say, and you get rain, and abundant food, and peace, and wild beasts and enemies won't attack, and lots of babies. Great.

Now, holy crap. God rants for about a chapter about all the stuff he will do to the Israelites if they disobey him. Really twisted shit. Here's a good part: Leviticus 26:29 "You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters." Great. It goes on like that for a whole chapter. How can anyone reconcile chapter 26 with a loving God?

Chapter 27 is really weird, and all about "dedicating" stuff to God. Apparently you can dedicate something (a person, animal, house, etc) to God, by giving...someone (the priests?)...the equivalent monetary value. Aside from the fact that I don't know what it means to "dedicate" something like a house to God, this chapter is fun because it gives monetary value for human beings, something I didn't really think was possible... Is it any surprise to anyone that men are twice as valuable as women? Also age factors in, basically people in their prime are worth the most, the elderly are worth not much, and babies are worth almost nothing at all. Interesting.

So that's basically Leviticus. Seriously, so fucking boring and repetitive. They have been at Mt. Sinai for the entire book and half of the last one, listening to God lay down random, arbitrary, wandering, repetitive, stupid, tedious laws. The only break in this was the parts where God demonstrates his cruelty and wrath by ruthlessly burning Aaron's sons to death, for no obvious reason, and by ordering the stoning of the guy who blasphemed. And I guess the part where they find out they get to eat their own children if they disobey. Ugh.

This covenant just gets better and better. We've gone from tons of descendants and good land, no strings attached, to you people get to live as strangers in my land, provided you mutilate your genitals, are willing to sacrifice your own children to me, get enslaved by the Egyptians for 400 years (at least that part is over now), and you generally have to follow every single one of my stupid little nit-picky commandments, or I'll kill you or send you away. What a load of bullshit.

And this is how God treats his favorite people! What horrible things does he do to the people he doesn't like? I suspect we'll find out soon, if God ever shuts his mouth and they leave Mt. Sinai.

Leviticus 8-10: Tabernacle = fiery death trap

So now we have the ordination of the new priests, Aaron and his 4 sons. Lots of detail of course. Seriously, it seems that all I've read out of this damn book lately is endless repetition about the tabernacle, animal sacrifice, and stupid rules like "don't cook a baby goat in it's mother's milk." Of course, this is the perfect and inerrant word of God, so he must have had a good reason to go into excruciating repetitive detail about inconsequential shit like this, while remaining conspicuously silent on matters like "who was Cain's wife," or helpful science-y things like medicine and the germ theory of disease.

Anyway, the ordination of the priests. Basically they dressed them in the priestly garments, doused the tabernacle and the priests with anointing oil, and sacrificed a bull, 2 rams, and some bread (without yeast, obviously). And they had to stay in the entrance of the tent for 7 days, and if they left they would die!

Flash forward to 8 days later. The ministry of Aaron and his sons begins! Basically they spend their first day sacrificing a shit-ton of animals for everybody. Being a priest sounds like you're effectively a butcher, plus a bunch of stupid ceremony. While all this is going on, the "glory of the LORD" appeared to everybody. (Side note: what the hell is the "glory" of the lord?) And what marvelous things did he do while he was there? "Fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the fat portions on the altar." God does love him some BBQ, I guess.

Then this happened:

Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the LORD, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD.

I wonder if God found the aroma "pleasing." As usual, I don't get this. For all the plethora of rules we've heard out of God lately, there has been absolutely nothing about fire, authorized or otherwise. And the only thing it had to say about incense was that the recipe was holy and they should only use it for holy reasons; what's holier than burning it in God's presence? Well...I guess that's just what you get for trying to upstage God? I am so over trying to figure this shit out. God randomly and arbitrarily kills people, especially his chosen people. Great.

God kills so many people over such small things... I think my continued existence is the best evidence that this particular god does not exist. If he did, he'd kill me for this blog, among other things.

Of course, I have to wonder... these guys have still got anointing oil all over them, and they are playing with open flame. I wonder if they didn't just burn up cause they were covered in oil, and it turned into a story of God's wrath. Hmm.

Actually, all the priests still have anointing oil on them, and there's anointing oil all over the tent, and they have been doing burnt offerings all day...and the alter is inside the tent. What a bunch of idiots. Of course, God supposedly told them to set it all up that way. Is God really that stupid? Or did God just want to create a fiery death trap for his priests?

Anyway, then Moses says something totally unhelpful to Aaron about how in killing his sons God is furthering his own holiness, or something (I'm finding this whole thing rather confusing). Poor Aaron.

Moses makes the dead guys' cousins drag them outside of the camp, where they apparently just leave them to rot (nothing more is said about it, anyway).

Then Moses tells Aaron and his 2 remaining sons that they are not allowed to mourn, or they would die. Also, they are not allowed to leave the tent (again), or they'll die. Then God comes along and tells them they can't drink alcohol in the tent, or they'll die. What, you thought God might say something more along the lines of "sorry I burned your sons to death?" Lulz.

Also, what's with all the threatening the priests with death? Seemingly, if they priests do anything, they die. That's the impression I'm getting so far, anyway.

Then Moses finds out that part of one of the sacrifices from earlier in the day that was supposed to be eaten was actually burned. He asks Aaron, "What the hell?" And Aaron is like, "Seriously, I've had a terrible day." And Aaron was not burned to death by God for fucking up the sacrifice, for some reason. That is so...inconsistent. I don't get it.

Exodus 32-40: Moses throws a tantrum

So, Moses is up on the mountain talking to God for 40 days, though I don't know why it had to take that long.

Meanwhile, the Israelites are getting restless. They get Aaron to make them the golden calf idol, and they sacrifice to it, and there's all sorts of "revelry."

God tells Moses to "leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.” God is so predictable. But Moses convinces him that it's a bad idea. Wait, is it even possible to talk God out of something? Never mind.

So Moses goes down the mountain, back to the Israelites, with the covenant tablets. He sees the idol, and he sees them dancing, and flies into a rage (even though God already told him all about this, so I don't know why he's so surprised). He throws the tablets to the ground, breaking them. Then he ground up the idol to a powder and made everyone drink it. (I don't get this...why would you do that? Is it not good enough to destroy the idol...melt it down or something?)

Moses tells the Levites that God wants them to kill everyone. So they do that...they kill 3000 people. Of course, as far as the bible says, God never actually said that, Moses just made it up. God was going to just let it go! So that's just great.

Then Moses goes back up the mountain to talk to God some more. He asks God to forgive them, and God just says something about how anyone who sins will be "blotted out of his book." Err, what book? And he gives them a plague for good measure.

Then God tells them to go on to Canaan, but he won't be going with them, because they are "a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way." lol. Like God has any business calling anybody "stiff-necked."

Moses asks to see Gods "glory." So God says he's going to walk in front of Moses and say his (God's) name. But, since no one can see God's face and live (when did that happen?), God will be kind enough to cover Moses's face with his hand until he's passes, then Moses gets to see his back. There is a plan to do this, but it never says whether it actually happened.

Then Moses goes back up the mountain to make new tablets. They are supposed to be exactly the same as the ones that are broken. But, here's what God told Moses to write on this set of tablets:

• Do not make a treaty with the people already in Canaan; worship meee goddamnit!!!
  
• Do not make idols
• Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread
• The first offspring of every womb belongs to me (I still don't know what this is about...God's been going on about this since the very beginning of Exodus, but I still don't get the point, or even what that means)
  
• Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest
• Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year
• Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign LORD, the God of Israel.
• Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast
• Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God
• Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk

So I know he said all this stuff before. But there's nothing about not killing, stealing, or any of the other stuff that makes sense on it's own. Nope. There's this, which is apparently the most important part. Seriously. And the bible actually calls these 10 things I've just listed "the 10 commandments." This is totally different than the 10 commandments that everyone knows (which the bible doesn't actually call "the 1o commandments"). That is just crazy.

I gotta say, the idea that the 10 commandments form a good basis of morality, or of US law, or anything else besides batshit-crazy-mumbo-jumbo, is completely ludicrous.

God also promises that he is going to go ahead of them and "drive out" all the people already in Canaan. And you people be damn sure to destroy all their temples and idols!!! For I am a ridiculously jealous and insecure god.

And Moses is up there for 40 days again, without food or water. Wow. That sounds horrible.

Actually, here's a great video summing up all this Mount Sinai stuff.



Lol. "They're the hos, I'm the pimp. And people needs to know who their pimp is." Yep, I could not have summarized Exodus any better than that.

Anyway, When Moses comes down from the mountain this time, he glows in the dark. Actually, he's "radiant" because he was talking to God. So after that, Moses took to wearing a veil, which he only removed to talk to God. I guess he didn't want to freak people out.

So then Moses goes about soliciting donations for the tabernacle, and getting people to build all that stuff. And it goes on for 6 chapters about how they made it, and how much stuff was used, and what the finished product was like. It is all extremely repetitive from before (like it wasn't boring enough to read one time. Seriously, this is a terrible book.)

Then God tells them that they are to set this up on the first day of the month. In all their travels, they set up the tabernacle on the first of the month, and then the "cloud of the lord" would descend on the tent, and they would wait (sometimes for days) for it to lift before they moved on.

I don't get the point of setting up a tent so God can visit, because I thought God wasn't going to be with them in their travels. Oh well.

I also don't get why they are hanging around at Mount Sinai to build all this stuff, when God clearly told them like 8 chapters ago that they have to get a move on to Canaan.

So I'm getting a clearer idea of why it took them 40 years to get to Canaan...not only do they have to haul all this stuff around, but every month they have to hang around for some indeterminate number of days waiting for God to clear off so they can keep going.

Anyway, this is the end of exodus. Pretty boring toward the end. If I had to sum up Exodus in just 2 sentences, it would have to be:

• "They're the hos, I'm the pimp. And people needs to know who their pimp is."
• No fucking yeast!
  

Exodus 13-16: God drowns some Egyptians

I didn't mention last time, in chapter 12 the Pharaoh basically told all the Israelites to get the fuck out of Egypt. And really, who can blame him. And so they went, and it goes on and on about how their bread had no yeast in it. Yeah, yeah, I get it, no fucking yeast.

So they're leaving, and God randomly says to Moses, "Consecrate to me every firstborn male." OK, whatever that means.

Then Moses goes on about celebrating Passover some more. No fucking yeast! I get it already.

Also, "Moses took the bones of Joseph with him because Joseph had made the sons of Israel swear an oath." Sweet, they actually did dig up Joseph's corpse and take it with them. That's hilarious.

It also says that God didn't let them take the easy road, but led them through the desert toward the Red Sea, because "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." Yeah, right. Also, if God could control the mind of the Pharaoh, can't he just control the Israelites' minds and make them keep going?

So God led them on as a pillar of clouds by day and a pillar of fire by night. Fantastic.

Then, in chapter 14, God is telling Moses where they should go. I have to wonder why that is necessary, since all they have to do is follow the cloud/fire. Oh well.

Well, shit, God hasn't had enough of controlling the Pharaoh like a puppet. Exodus 14:4: "And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD." But I will gain glory for myself????? Fuck that. This is ridiculous.

So of course, Pharaoh chases them, along with 600 of his finest chariots. And he gets another dose of "hardened heart" in verse 8.

The Israelites see the Egyptians coming, and they get pissed at Moses. We told you we didn't want your stupid help back in chapter 6!!

So, God parts the sea so the Israelites can flee across it, and "I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through Pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and his horsemen." Seriously??? This is all just so fucking stupid. God is continually making this whole thing so much more difficult than it has to be, just so he can "gain glory" for himself. Well God, I guess if the pointless murder of children wasn't enough "glory" for you, maybe the pointless murder of 600 chariot's worth of adults will be.

So of course, that's what happens... the Israelites get across the sea safely, while the Egyptians are forced in by God and drown. "Not one of them survived." Fucking great. Are you happy now, God? Do you feel sufficiently glorified now???

We also learn about now that the pillar of cloud/fire is an angel of God, even though it said previously that it was actually God. I am so confused.

Then Moses and the Israelites sing a song to God. It's a pretty dumb song about how fantastic it is that God killed all the Egyptians.

Then they walk through the desert for 3 days without water. They finally find some water, but it is "bitter." So Moses "cried out" to God, and God pointed out a piece of wood, and Moses threw it in the water and it became "sweet." Well, that's just grand. Then God says, (paraphrasing) "Just do whatever I want, and you won't have to suffer like the Egyptians." Hmm, God is issuing thinly veiled threats to his chosen people...

Then they go on to a place with 12 springs and 70 palm trees. That is so specific.

So they're in the desert for like 2 months, and they are all grumbling about how at least as Egyptian slaves they had enough to eat, and Moses just brought them all out here to starve to death, and so on. God hears this and says "At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread."

Then "That evening quail came and covered the camp." I can't help but imagine dead quail just raining out of the sky. The following morning "thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor."

Yep, this is manna. The bible has a lot to say about manna. Each person is to gather as much as they need for a day. (except for saturday! gather twice as much on saturday because there won't be any on sunday.) Don't save any til morning! (except saturday) When they did keep some til morning, it got all maggoty and gross - except for sunday, it was alright on sunday. Well I guess that just proves it's bread flakes from God. They also apparently saved a jar of manna; "keep it for the generations to come" God said. I wonder where this jar of God-bread is now, and why no one has tried to make a fake one.

Apparently, "The Israelites ate manna forty years ... until they reached the border of Canaan."

It took them 40 years to get there??? I'm remembering Genesis, when Jacob's 11 sons apparently had no trouble getting from Canaan to Egypt in a reasonable time to buy food. 40 years, huh. I do hope there's some good reason for that.

Exodus 7-12: 10 plagues of Egypt

I've heard this story before, and I imagine most everyone else has too. Here's Penn & Teller covering the basics of this story, in their amazing way.



That clip also contains one of my all-time favorite quotes: "God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways." From what I've seen so far... so true.

There is one pretty major detail in this story, though, that Penn & Teller do not touch on, and for all the many, many times I've heard this story in church and sunday school, I've never heard of this either. God says repeatedly that he is "hardening the Pharaoh's heart" so that he won't let the Israelites go. Yeah, seriously.

Exodus 7: 3-4 "But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and though I multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt, he will not listen to you."

Exodus 9:12 "But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron"

Exodus 10:1 "Then the LORD said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his officials"

Exodus 10:20 "But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go."

Exodus 11:9-10 "The LORD had said to Moses, "Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you—so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt." Moses and Aaron performed all these wonders before Pharaoh, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go out of his country."

If this is true, then I want to know... what the goddamn hell is the point of all of this??? I mean, seriously. The Pharaoh might have let the people go of his own free will at any point (probably long before God ruthlessly slaughters all the Egyptian firstborns). But no, God "hardens his heart." WHY??? Is this all a game?? Is God some kid playing with dolls? Is this all just a roleplaying game, with God as the sadistic DM? I don't get it!!

I haven't ruled out the possibility that this is all just the usual arbitrary cruelty, but the story does give a couple of hints...

Exodus 7: 3-5 "But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and though I multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt, he will not listen to you. Then I will lay my hand on Egypt and with mighty acts of judgment I will bring out my divisions, my people the Israelites. And the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD when I stretch out my hand against Egypt and bring the Israelites out of it."

Exodus 10:1-2 "Then the LORD said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his officials so that I may perform these miraculous signs of mine among them that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the LORD."

Exodus 11:9-10 "The LORD had said to Moses, "Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you—so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt." Moses and Aaron performed all these wonders before Pharaoh, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go out of his country."

So... God is just looking for an excuse to show off? Or actually no, even worse: God is manufacturing an excuse to show off. What the effing crap is that all about? Gah!

This is possibly the worst thing I have ever heard of. God slaughtered Egyptian children, which is horrible no matter what. But he himself created the circumstances that led to it, which is even worse. But, even worse than that, God apparently slaughtered these children just to show off, which is what makes this officially the worst thing I have ever heard of.

Let me just say right here, I am glad that God does not exist. This is complete bullshit.

So anyway, let me see if I can calm down enough to finish.

While God is giving the Israelites instructions for painting their doors with lamb's blood on the night of this reprehensible slaughter of innocents (apparently God can't tell who is Israelite and who isn't), he also gives some instructions about celebrating Passover. Yeah, apparently we're supposed to celebrate that God killed everyone else's kids but not our own.

First and foremost, NO YEAST! God goes on and on about this. "Whoever eats anything with yeast in it from the first day through the seventh must be cut off from Israel." Harsh. Also, if any foreigners want to celebrate, they have to be circumcised. All right then.

Genesis 37-38: Apparently, every sperm is sacred

So, after galavanting around for 20+ years, Jacob comes home and settles down (apparently for good) in Canaan, just like Isaac and Abraham.

Joseph was Jacob's favorite (you know he had a favorite, they all do). Jacob made a "richly ornamented" robe for Joseph (an amazing technicolor dreamcoat, perhaps?). Joseph's brothers are super jealous, and who can blame them.

Joseph has a couple of dreams that he shares with his family...a bunch of symbolism of Joseph ruling over the rest of them. This apparently pushes Joseph's brothers over the edge, and they decide to kill him (over a dream? really?). Reuben tries to convince his brothers not to kill Joseph, so while Reuben isn't looking, they sell Joseph to some handy passing Ishmaelites. They fake Joseph's death by putting blood on his amazing robe, and Jacob buys it.

Jacob is super upset...he "tore his clothes" and "mourned for many days." This is totally the most "depth" I've seen yet to any of these characters.

Meanwhile, Joseph is taken to Egypt and sold.

Chapter 38 is all about Jacob's son Judah. All sorts of quality arbitrary Godly judgement in this chapter!

Judah goes away from his family and marries a Canaanite woman.

Wait, he's not going to go find some cousin to marry? Oh yeah, Judah is not the favorite. I bet Joseph does some inbreeding later.

Judah has 3 sons...the first one is named Er. Best name ever. But awesome-name-kid was "wicked in the LORD's sight; so the LORD put him to death." Seriously. No rhyme or reason, that's all we get.

Apparently Er lived long enough to get married though, because Judah tells the second son Onan that he must sleep with Er's wife, Tamar, to make babies for his brother. But Onan doesn't want to make babies that "would not be his" (why wouldn't they be his?), so whenever he sleeps with Tamar he "spilled his semen on the ground." This apparently was also "wicked in the LORD's sight," and Onan dies too. Really, God, really? That's what you're going to care about? It's just so trivial! So inconsequential! I suppose "every sperm is sacred" is more true than I thought.

Judah tells Tamar to go and wait until his third son was old enough to knock her up, but he never lets his third son near Tamar...it seems Judah thought Tamar was bad luck. But no, Judah, no...God just hates your kids, for no apparent reason. Or for the stupidest reason I've ever heard of.

Many years later, Judah's wife dies, Judah mourns for a while, then he goes to get his sheep sheared, and I guess Tamar happened to be in that general area. Tamar is upset that she never got to marry (or just get knocked up by? I'm confused) the third son, so she dresses up like a prostitute and waits for Judah. Judah sleeps with her, not knowing who she is. Of course, she gets pregnant.

Side note... I've noticed a pattern of the bible making it sound like people regularly get knocked up after having sex only one time. I am of the impression that that is actually fairly unlikely... just seems a bit weird.

Anyway, after that, Judah is trying the find this prostitute so he can send her the goat he promised in payment, but he can't find her. So the matter is basically dropped.

A few months later, someone tells Judah, "Your daughter-in-law Tamar is guilty of prostitution." And obviously, Judah's very first reaction is, "Have her burned to death!" But then he finds out it was he who slept with her, and he completely changes his tune to, "She is more righteous than I." What a fucking hypocrite.

So, Tamar does not get burned to death, and instead gives birth to twins. Now I wonder whether these are Judah's, or are they really Er's twins, since that's apparently how it works? Freakin' weird.

For some more random weirdness, during the birth of these twins, apparently one of them stuck a hand out, and then pulled it back in. Then the other baby came out first, and the one that stuck the hand out came second.

So...I'm really not an expert in the birthing process, but does this sort of thing EVER happen in reality? A hand coming out and then going back in? Really? What the fuck is all that about?

Is it supposed to be symbolic? If so, what could it possibly mean???

As usual, I am completely lost.

Genesis 18-19: The destruction of Sodom

Something, which is either 3 men, 3 angels, or God, appears to Abraham near his tent. He begs them to stay and rest, they agree. Abraham runs off and tells Sarah to get 20 quarts of flour and make bread. That is a lot of bread... Abraham then runs off to kill a calf, and he brings it to the men and they all eat. Then God says that Sarah will have a son in a year. Sarah heard this from inside the tent and laughs; she doesn't quite believe it. Then there was this bit of pedantry:

God: Why'd you laugh?
Sarah: Nuh-uh, I didn't laugh!
God: Yuh-uh you did!

The men walk off toward Sodom, and God tells Abraham that Sodom's "sin is grievous," so he's going to go there and see what's what. (Really, all-knowing God has to go to Sodom to see how bad it is? He can't just know?) Abraham then has this weird haggling session with God:

Abraham: Will you spare the city if there are 50 good people in it?
God: Yeah, OK
Abraham: How bout 45?
God: Fine
Abraham: 40?
God: OK
Abraham: 30?
God: Yeah, fine
Abraham: 20?
God: K
Abraham: 10?
God: K

Then he stops. How about not destroying a even single good person, God? Really?

I've heard this sort of ethical question before (mostly on star trek)...how many innocent people is it OK to wipe out? Now we know the answer, the bible says it's 10. See, I am learning things.

The next chapter starts with "The 2 angels arrived at Sodom." I thought it was 3 that set off from Abraham's tent. But, whatever.

They find Lot at the gate of the city, and he basically badgers them into staying with him. Later that evening, the house was surrounded with men demanding that Lot send the 2 angels out so they can have sex with them. So obviously, Lot offers the mob his 2 virgin daughters instead. Really, Lot, really? That's a despicable act if I ever heard one. The angels pull Lot inside and make all the men outside blind.

The angels tell Lot to gather up his family and go to the mountains, because they are going to destroy the city (and apparently all the other nearby cities). Lot asks if they could just go to that other city instead, and the angels promise to spare that one city. So Lot runs away with his wife and daughters.

I want to know why Lot gets to live. The story is the people of Sodom are horrible and need to be destroyed...and I guess if the angel-raping mob is representative of the city as a whole, I could sort of see that. But is Lot really any better? He offers his virgin daughters to the mob. I don't care what anybody says, that is disgusting and he deserves to die with the would-be angel-rapers.

This is all assuming, of course, that God is vengeful and cruel, and doesn't much care about actually doing anything to make people better. Seriously, God's big solution to everything is to just destroy everything when things get tough, surely he could do better.

Anyway, Lot and family are running away, and his wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt. OK... As usual, I don't get it. I guess it must be symbolic of something. But as literal truth, that makes no sense.

Lot and his 2 daughters end up holed up in a mountain cave, where the daughters hatch this brilliant scheme: let's have sex with our father! Brilliant. So one night, they get him super drunk, and the one sleeps with him...and the next night they get him super drunk, and the other sleeps with him. The bible is very clear that Lot doesn't know what's going on. And they both get pregnant and have sons. What a charming story.

So I was kind of interested in this story, because it's one of those that get trotted out by the anti-gay wingnuts, in that, "the bible says it's wrong and this story proves it," way. Really, I don't see it. God destroyed Sodom because the people there were so bad, and I guess the rapist mob was an example of that. And I would agree, that would be bad. But it says nothing about consensual homosexual relationships, which is what these wingnuts fight so hard against.

In this story, there was a mob of men who wanted to rape men (I assume the angels looked like men). And what the wingnuts claim is that it was the men having sex with men part that was so wrong. But would it have been OK if that mob wanted to rape women instead? That would be heterosexual, so I guess it would be OK. Really? Ugh. Maybe that would be OK with God and right-wing nutcases, but it's not OK with me...

If anything, I could see where this story says that God frowns on rapist mobs, and as usual overreacts by destroying everything. I don't see where it has anything to do with gay marriage, or homosexuality in general, like the wingnuts claim.

Genesis 10-11: Horrible writing, Tower of Babel

Chapter 10 is entirely a tedious genealogy of Noah’s sons. One amusing bit is chapter 10, verse 8-9: “Cush was father of Nimrod, who grew to be a mighty warrior on the earth. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord; that is why it is said, ‘Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before the Lord.’” Really? This is the worst example of writing I have ever seen in my life, and I’m pretty bad at it myself. Also, I am totally going to start working that saying into my everyday language.

The first half of chapter 11 is about the tower of babel. I’ve heard this story before, and in the version I heard, it starts with God telling everyone to spread out and cover the earth, but they ignore him, so he makes them all speak different languages, so they have no reason to stay together. So in this version, God tried telling them nicely first, then he pulled out the big guns.

That’s not how it goes here though: God hasn’t said anything to anyone since the end of the flood, when he said, “go forth and multiply,” which doesn’t necessarily mean “don’t live all in one place.” So apparently all people had decided to build a big city to live in together, in peace. Sounds great to me. But God was apparently threatened by this…he says, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.” So he did, and they scattered all over.

First of all, this is the second time that God has talked to himself in the plural…what the heck is up with that?

Second, apparently the motivation for the tower of babel incident was that God didn’t like that people could accomplish things, and decided, for no apparent reason (other than to be a dick, possibly), to make their lives more difficult. They didn’t even disobey him, because he never told them to do any different.

Then the last half of chapter 11, it jumps right back into the tedious genealogy again. But it doesn’t pick up where it left off, it starts over with Noah’s sons, following a different line to Abram.

Seriously, this is a terrible book, just in terms of readability and flow of the plot… some genealogy, a random story thrown in, and then more genealogy. But it’s not even chronological, the genealogy starts over. It’s like whoever put the bible together had bits of writing that they just shuffled together and said, “there it is.”

Genesis 6-9: God's first major temper tantrum

Chapter 6 starts with God deciding that the human life span will be 120 years (up til now they all lived to about 900 years). Why does he decide that? Of course, it’s not clear.

God is upset about how his own creation turned out, though it’s not clear from the text why omniscient God wouldn’t have known exactly what would happen. So he decides to destroy everything. But he likes Noah, who was apparently less evil than everyone else at the time.

So God says to Noah, (paraphrasing) “I’m about to destroy everything, so you better build yourself an ark.” And the ark had to be 450 x 75 x 45 feet, made of cyprus, with a roof that is 18 feet tall, and a door in the side, with little rooms inside in 3 levels. And since Noah is the favorite, he can go on the ark, with his wife and sons and daughters-in-law. And Noah has to collect 2 of every animal and take them in the boat with him.

Chapter 6 ends with a statement that Noah did all that God asked.

I do find it interesting that for all the lack of details so far (Cain’s wife, etc.), that the description of the boat is so detailed.

Chapter 7 starts with God changing his mind…now he wants 7 of every kind of clean animal, 7 of every kind of bird, and 2 of every kind of unclean animal. Chapter 6 ended with Noah having finished building the ark and collecting 2 of every animal…how funny is it that, after all that, God apparently comes down and says, “Actually, make it 7 of every animal.” I’d be pissed at this point, if I was Noah.

So now Noah goes onto the ark with his family all these animals, and it rains for 40 days…it says the water got high enough to cover the tops of the mountains by 20 feet, and the earth was flooded for 150 days. There is also some detail about how every single thing on the earth died.

Then “God remembered Noah.” Aww, that’s sweet. After 150 days of doom, God finally stopped going “mwah ha ha” or whatever he was doing all that time, and “remembers Noah,” and causes the water to recede. 7 months later the earth is dry again, everything comes out of the ark, and the first thing Noah does is sacrifice some of those clean animals to God. Ah, so that’s why God decided he wanted extra animals! It seems a bit ridiculous to me that God told Noah to save those animals from the flood, just so when it was over they could be sacrificed. God was pleased with the sacrifice (that he himself ordered), and promised to not wipe out everything ever again. Again, aww, that’s sweet.

God sets up a covenant with Noah et al…he gives them dominion over everything, and also sets up the death penalty (as punishment for murder), which is a bit weird. It’s not consistent anyway, Cain’s “punishment” for murdering Abel was to fail at growing crops, and to have God set it up so no man could ever kill him.

Then God promises to never again kill everything with a flood (that sounds like he’s leaving a loophole for later…yeah, I’ll never wipe out all life with a flood again, but maybe by some other means I will, you never know), and says he’ll put rainbows in the sky whenever it rains, as a reminder of his promise…not for people, but for himself, oddly enough. Yeah, seriously. Genesis 9:16, God says, "Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

So that’s the story of Noah’s flood… which cannot possibly be interpreted literally, if you think about it logically. Just the logistics of it are overwhelming…all-powerful, benevolent God left it up to Noah to collect 2 (7) of every kind of animal…that’s at least a million different species, from all over the world. Impossible. And kind of a jerk move on God’s part, when he, being all-powerful, could have just poofed them all into the boat himself. Or better yet, he could have just poofed everything else dead without all the trouble for Noah. Or even better, he could have made his creation more to his liking in the first place.

The ark is 450 x 75 x 45 feet… that’s about 5 football fields in area, and about as tall as a 3-story building. There’s no way there is enough room on that boat for 2 (or 7) of every kind of animal; I bet a pair of brontosauruses would take up almost that much space on their own. There is no way that Noah could have rounded up all of these animals from all over the world on his own. There’s no way that, being on this boat for about a year, the carnivores didn’t eat any of the other animals, or that Noah didn’t make some species of insect extinct by stepping on them. And there is no way that after the ark landed, all the species ended up where they were supposed to be…with all the marsupials in Australia, etc.

If the waters really covered the entire earth, up to 20 ft higher than the mountain tops, wouldn’t that have killed all of the plants? Noah didn’t save any plants on the ark…so clearly we should have no plants today. Noah sent a dove out of the ark, which came back with an olive branch…where did that come from? After 150+ days underwater, every plant would have been dead and rotten. Also, how is it possible for the entire earth to be covered in that much excess water? I mean, if you get a flood in one place, it’s because it has extra water that came from somewhere else. You can’t flood everywhere at the same time, unless God created some extra water just for the occasion. And then reverse it… when localized flood waters recede, it’s because they are going somewhere else; if the entire earth was flooded, there would be nowhere for the extra water to go. The flood waters would never recede. Unless, again, God made it magically disappear…but then, why wouldn’t he just do it all at once, instead of making them all wait in the ark while he slowly disappeared the water over 7 months; is it because he’s a jerk?

This whole story gives the impression that God is kind of an asshole, and not really all that perfect. There are so many stages along the way where God demonstrates his ineptitude. He creates something, man, which turns out so wrong it makes him want to destroy everything. Why would a perfect God mess up his own creation so badly?

Then, to deal with his own fuck up, he decides to kill everything in a big, doom-filled flood. This is so much overkill, and more what I would expect an ill-tempered, angry, imperfect deity than a benevolent, perfect, all-powerful one. A benevolent God would have gone down there and done something to make man better…a vengeful God throwing a temper tantrum would decide that the thing to do is kill everything.

Assuming that it’s OK for God to decide that the thing to do is just kill all the evil people, rather than make them better, even the way he goes about it is absurd. Rather than using his perfect knowledge and supreme power to only destroy the evil people, he decides to kill everything…evil people, good people (surely in all the world, Noah was not the only good person), animals, plants…except for Noah et al.

Even at that, surely God could have used his omnipotent power to simply kill everything in the world, except for Noah et al, and 2 (or 7) of every animal. It would have been much less trouble for Noah. But God, the jerk, decides to make Noah traipse all over the world, collecting 2 (7) of everything, then put him and his family through the ordeal of being stuck in a boat with all these animals for a year.

Then, when it’s all over, he invents rainbows as a reminder to himself of his promise to not kill everything with a flood again. Because being perfect and all-knowing, he might have forgotten otherwise? I don’t get it.

Anyway, chapter 9 continues with the story of Noah, being drunk and naked in his tent. Yeah, after that ordeal he just went through, who can blame him. One of his 3 sons, Ham, sees him. His 2 brothers cover Noah up without looking. Noah woke up and was apparently pissed off that Ham had dared to look at him naked, and cursed him and his descendents to be slaves forever; the other 2 brothers he blessed. Overreact much? Maybe he was still drunk at that point. This story is a bit random, and all I can figure is that it was stuck in as a lame justification for slavery.

Ham just looks at his drunk and naked father. From what I’ve heard of Christianity, it’s generally a bigger sin to be drunk and naked, rather than to be the person who happened to see you that way. But, whatever. Then Noah, possibly still drunk, or maybe hung over and grumpy, curses Ham and all his descendents to be slaves forever. But this is just Noah...Noah shouldn’t have the power to actually curse people; he’s just a man. I thought that was some sort of blasphemy, anyway. So I guess God must have seen all this and thought, “What a good idea, I’ll go ahead and do that,” which would fit right in with that picture of God as a total dick that I’ve been seeing so far.

Seriously, this is the actual bible story (one of them, anyway) that was cited in support for slavery in America. (Disclaimer: I am not a history buff, and I may be wrong about this. I have the impression, mostly from this book, that Christians back in the day generally opposed abolition, mainly because of bible stories like this one.) What a stupid story. It pisses me off just to think of all the people who suffered because of this idiotic story. Yes, I know that people who wanted to have slaves would have probably done it no matter what the bible says. But it is there...the bible, the literal word of God, supports slavery. Seriously.

Genesis 2-3: Creation (again), Adam and Eve

Chapter 2 starts back at the beginning, with the creation of heaven and earth. Then God makes man “from the dust of the ground,” and puts him in the Garden of Eden. After some time, God creates woman from the rib of the man. All of this is in direct contradiction with the previous chapter, of course. Apparently there are 2 creation stories that contradict each other in the same holy book, who knew?

So God has put Adam and Eve in paradise, but there’s a catch…in this paradise, made by God especially for Adam and Eve, God also put a tree, which apparently serves no purpose other than specifically to tempt Adam and Eve. If they ate from it, they would die.

I imagine creating a paradise for my cat...a room, in my apartment, filled with catnip plants, fish to eat, bits of string to play with, etc. But then I decide to store my poisoned catnip plant of knowledge in that room too, for no good reason. Then I’d explain carefully to the cat that it can have all the catnip it wants, except for this specific catnip. How much sense does that make, when I could just...not put that plant in that room? Or I could even have made a... broccoli of knowledge. You know, something cats don't like anyway. Not that hard.

I have to ask… couldn’t God have just put his tree somewhere else? Or just not made the tree in the first place? Or not made his creations, Adam and Eve, so gullible?

If you’re interpreting this story metaphorically, I suppose it’s OK…but there are people who really think this literally happened! As a literal history, this makes no sense at all.

So Chapter 3, Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden, with the tree that they are arbitrarily forbidden to eat from. So of course the serpent tempts Eve, Eve eats from the tree, and gives some to Adam too. Then they hear God walking around and yelling, “Where are you?” so they hide. (Walking? Saying “where are you?” God doesn’t sound so omnipotent in this part) God finds them and learns what happened, and curses the serpent to crawl around on its stomach (what was it doing before, I wonder?), woman to painful childbirth and perpetual servitude to man, and man to labor and toil. Then God made them some nice clothes and sent them away. And he puts a Cherub and a big flaming sword there as guard.

I find it interesting that in Chapter 2, God tells them that if they eat from the tree of knowledge, they would die. Well, they ate, and they didn’t die…did God just lie to them? Maybe it was referring to the point that they were made mortal when they were kicked out of Eden, and so they were made so they would die at some point.

In the new catholic edition of the bible, it actually says that if they ate from the tree, they would die on that same day. Well, that obviously didn’t happen. Which version are we to believe? In one, God is just sort of vague…yeah, you’ll die, but I’m not saying when. In the other, God outright lies to them…if you eat, you’ll die on that same day, which they didn’t.

Isn’t it weird that we have 2 versions of the bible (which 30% of Americans believe is the inerrant and literal word of God), in the same language, that each say such different things?