Deuteronomy 14-25: Where to poop (and other rules)

Yeah, this is a really huge section of bible, but it's mostly a repeat of the rules from before, with a few new things thrown in. I marked the new things; you could just read those parts and not miss anything. That's pretty much what I did.

We get reminded what food is clean and unclean. It still says that rabbits chew the cud and bats are birds, just incase that wasn't wrong enough before.

Then it says that thing about "don't cook a baby goat in its mother's milk." That never gets any less weird, no matter how many times I read it.

NEW: Tithes. Reserve 1/10 of your harvest, and once a year travel to that one place where God is going to "put his Name," (since it doesn't have a name yet, I will call it "God's Special Place") and eat it there. If it's too far and you can't carry it all, go there with an equivalent amount of money and buy food there to eat in God's presence. Every year do that, except on the third year. On that year, store all the tithes in the cities so the Levites and other people who don't have much (widows, orphans) can use it. How nice.

If God really cared about the poor, he'd give all the tithes to them, not just 1/3 of them. Just a thought.

Every 7 years, all debts between Israelites are cancelled (debts with foreigners remain). This is kind of random, and seems to be pretty much a "because I'm God and I say so" thing. There is an admonition to not be tightfisted toward the end of those 7 years, because you won't be paid back...in fact, you should be extra generous then.

Sorta new: A small change from Leviticus... all servants go free after 6 years, including the women. That's the different part, used to be female servants were yours forever and ever. Like before, if a servant wants to stay, you have to nail their earlobe to the doorframe. Then they stay forever.

As we've heard before, God wants the firstborn of all the livestock. But here we finally find out what that means. You're supposed to take them with your tithe to God's Special Place, and eat them.

This is a TON of food they're supposed to eat in God's Special Place. How does that work? Or are they just supposed to stay there for months until it's all eaten? How inconvenient.

Once again, celebrate the Passover! No fucking yeast. It must be celebrated at God's Special Place. Also, celebrate the festival of weeks and the festival of tabernacles.

NEW: Select judges for each city, and they shall judge with fairness, justice, and no bribes. If a case is too hard for these judges, go to God's Special Place and bring the case to the Levitcal priests (apparently the Levites got a promotion). You must accept their ruling, anyone who doesn't will be killed.

Don't sacrifice any animal with a defect.

Stone to death anyone who worships other gods. You must have at least 2 witnesses to do so, and they must throw the first stone.

NEW: When you are set up in the promised land, you can have a king, but only the king that God chooses. That king may not have too many horses, too many wives, or too much money. He must have his own personal copy of all these rules, so he can become familiar with them. And even though he is the king, he may not break them.

Levites and priests don't get their own stuff. For food, they eat specific parts of the sacrifices and other offerings (grain, etc).

Do not follow the ways of the people you're about to wipe out. No other gods, no divination, child sacrifice, witchcraft, etc.

NEW: Apparently, there is going to be a prophet to talk for God, because at some point the people said they couldn't stand to talk to God themselves (I don't remember that). Any false prophet must be killed. You can tell the difference by whether what they say is true or not. Lol, clearly there are no problems with that.

Set up cities of refuge for people who accidentally kill someone to go to and be safe from revenge. Here it gives a ridiculous example of an accidental murder: you could be cutting down a tree, when the head of your axe flies off and kills someone! That's random.

You need at least 2 witnesses to convict someone of a crime. If a witness is found to be lying, they will suffer the same fate as though they had committed the crime they lied about.

NEW: When you go to war, don't worry if the opponent is stronger, because God is with you. You should bring a priest, and just before the fighting starts he should address the soldiers with an uplifting speech. And apparently after that, the officers will give everyone one last chance to desert. Weird. Then, before you attack, offer them peace. If they accept, you just got some new slaves!! Congratulations. If they refuse, you can kill all the men, and keep the women and children. If there's a woman you fancy, you can take her as your wife. Take her home, give her a month to mourn, then fuck her. If it wasn't to your satisfaction, throw her out. But you can't make her into a slave at this point, you have to just let her go free. This is disgusting.

However, in the conquest of the promised land (which I'm sure they'll get around to eventually), spare no one. Also disgusting.

NEW: This is weird. If a murdered person is found in the middle of nowhere, the leaders of the nearest city have to make atonement to God. I'm not sure why they are to blame. Anyway, they have to make atonement by finding a cow that has never worked, take it to a valley that has never been plowed and that has a stream, and break its neck. Random as ever.

NEW: You have to give your firstborn son a double share of the inheritance, even if he's not your favorite. It also casually mentions what to do if you have 2 wives here, so clearly the Bible still doesn't care about monogamy. Just an FYI.

If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son" and he just won't obey, everybody in town must stone him to death. That'll show him.

NEW: If you put someone to death for some crime, you may hang their corpse on a pole, but only til sundown, then you have to take it down and bury it. Don't want to stink up the place I guess.

If you see something that someone lost, return it to them.

If you see someone with an animal that fell down, go help them get it up again.

NEW: No transvestites. "A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this." Awesome, I will add this to my big list of reason God hates me. I honestly had no idea the bible says this, I'm surprised it's not brought up more often.

NEW: You can take eggs from a bird's nest, but don't get greedy and take the bird also. Random.

NEW: When you build a new house, include a parapet (a wall around the roof) so no one will fall off the roof and hurt themselves. Also random.

Don't crossbreed your crops.

Don't yoke a donkey and ox to the same plow.

No fabric blends.

Attach tassels to the corners of your cloak, to remind you of God's rules somehow.

NEW: If a man, after sleeping with his new wife, suspects she is not a virgin, he can accuse her of being a whore. Now the burden of proof falls on her father. He must "display the cloth before the elders of the town." Apparently that proves it somehow. I don't know what cloth it's talking about. Anyway, if it can be proved that she was a virgin, the man must pay a fine and is never allowed to divorce her. If it cannot be proved, she must be stoned to death in front of her father's house. Yay, biblical morality. I guess "innocent until proven guilty" hasn't been invented yet.

If a man sleeps with a married woman, they both need to die.

NEW: Here's an interesting rhetorical question for you: if a woman is raped in a forest and there's no one around to hear it, is she still guilty? Guilty of what, you might wonder? Don't think about it or you'll just get angry. Here's what the bible says:

• If a virgin is raped inside a city: they both get stoned to death. (The woman must be punished because she didn't call for help, obviously.)
• If a virgin is raped outside a city: only the man is killed, do not punish the woman. (Because, clearly, there was no one to hear her scream.)

If a man rapes a virgin who is not betrothed to marry anyone yet, he must pay her father a fine and they have to get married. Because that's fair.

Hey bible, what happens if a woman who isn't a virgin is raped? Or what if a man is raped? I guess that just doesn't matter. It's almost like the bible doesn't care about rape for the reasons a normal human being would (because rape is obviously horrible), but because virginity is some sort of commodity that is stolen, and you must be punished for the theft of it. Or for not protecting it by screaming loud enough, I guess.

Don't marry your father's wife.

NEW: The following people may not enter the "assembly of God," whatever that is:

• anyone who has lost his testicles in an accident (random)
  
• no bastards, or any of their kids for 10 generations
• no Ammonites or Moabites, no matter how many generations later
• Edomites and Egyptians can join after 3 generations

NEW: Go outside the camp to poop. When you do, dig a hole and bury it. Seriously, the bible has rules for pooping. And it's not because it's more hygienic, it's because poop is unholy. Apparently God is in the camp, and if he sees you pooping, he'll be all grossed out and "turn away from you." So, since omnipresent God is somehow not outside the camp (I still haven't figured that one out), you have to out there to poop. What is God, 2 years old? I really think he needs to read "everybody poops" or something. Seriously.

Don't give foreign runaway slaves back to their masters. That's actually pretty good.

Don't be a shrine prostitute. I don't know what that is.

Don't charge an Israelite interest when you loan them money.

If you make a vow to God, do whatever it is quickly.

You can go eat from someone else's field, but just eat there and don't take anything away with you. Like a buffet!

NEW: Say a man and woman get divorced, the woman remarries, then divorced again. The first guy isn't allowed to marry her again "because she has been defiled." I really don't know why it matters.

NEW: A man can't be drafted for 1 year after being married, because he should have a chance to be happy with his wife. Aww.

Kidnappers must die.

Be nice to the poor, foreigners, widows, and orphans. Let them forage in your fields.

NEW: Don't punish the parents for the children's sins or vice versa.

NEW: The maximum number of lashes as punishment is 40.

If a man dies, is brother has to marry his widow. If he doesn't want to marry her, God will kill him!!! Ahem, or, she goes and complains to the town elders, and the elders try to talk him into it. If he still doesn't want to, she gets to spit in his face in front of everybody. She also takes one of his sandals, and his family will ever after be known as "The Family of the Unsandaled." Oh snap! (I assume someone from that time and place would say) That is fucking silly, is what I, from this time and place, would say. But at least God changed his mind about killing people in this situation. Good.

If a man is in a fight and his wife tries to help out by grabbing the other guy's junk, her hand must be cut off. "Show no mercy!!"

Use honest weights and measures.

God still hates the Amalekites.

And that's about it, I think. The whole rulebook for the Israelites. Interestingly, as much as it repeated the stuff from Leviticus, there's a bunch of stuff that got left out. Like the bit about "man shall not lie with man, blah blah, etc." Totally not in Deuteronomy (so far, but I think rule-making time is over). I guess that's just not as important as "no fabric blends," which did make the final cut. Oh yeah! That's right. God does care more about fabric blends than homosexuality. Bwah haha.

Anyway, most of this stuff is either just plain weird or morally reprehensible. This is where people claim to get their morals from? I would fear for my safety if I thought that was true. And I'm the immoral one, because I don't believe in this shit. Really?

Deuteronomy 7-8: Release the drive bee!

Yep, they are still near the Jordan River listening to Moses prattle on. I am beginning to suspect he is going to do this for the entire book of Deuteronomy.

Here Moses starts talking about their impending conquest of the promised land. He says that "God will drive them out," though I suspect it will actually be the Israelites doing that; we'll just have to wait and see.

Moses reminds them (for the gazillionth time) to fucking kill everybody. No mercy! Don't spare the children, don't marry the women, just fucking kill them. Also, destroy all the alters and other holy objects. The reason is that the Israelites will inevitably start worshipping their foreign Gods, and we can't have that!

You might think it's ridiculous that a few spared children might convince all the Israelites to abandon their God for a new shiny God (I know I thought that for about half a second), but you'd be forgetting the Israelites' nature so far. They abandon God at every chance, even though they know that every time they do God kills thousands of them. And of course I can hardly blame them for doing so because God is such an asshole. This is such a frustrating story, because I hate all the characters.

Hmm, I was so excited, only to be let down again... in this next bit I thought we were going to get a reason why the Israelites are the favoritest. But, not really. It says that God "set his affection on you" because "the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors." What a steaming pile of bullshit. God loved the Israelites sooo much that he...

• made them slaves for 400 years
• makes them mutilate their genitals
• has killed hundreds of thousands of them (so far) for the horrible crime of "grumbling against him"
• killed off an entire generation before they reached the promised land, again for "grumbling"
• set up a crazy rule system for them such that the most minor offenses (such as dishonoring your parents) is punishable by death

Have I gotten it all yet? I'm not sure. Anyway you get the point.

Then there's the other "reason," because he swore an oath! But why did he swear an oath? And why to Abraham of all people?? This is no answer at all. This reminds me of when I taught astronomy lab, and so many students would answer questions like "why is mars red?" with "because the rocks on mars are red." But why are the rocks on mars red??? Same damn thing.

Anyway, then Moses says the thing about how those who love and obey God will be rewarded "for 1000 generations," but those who "hate God" will get "repaid to their face by destruction." Lol, destruction in the face? Whatever that means.

What about people who don't believe he exists? I suppose that must count as "hate." So where's all the destruction in my face? You'd think I'd have noticed that. Furthermore, how can both of those things be true? Wouldn't I get a free pass because someone in the past 1000 generations must have loved and obeyed God? But I'm also supposed to get destruction in my face? How does that work?

Then Moses tells them not to worry about the fact that the people they're supposed to kill are much stronger than they are, because God will be with you, and God will deliver them to you, and "LORD your God will send the hornet among them."

Wait, what was that last bit? Hornet?? What hornet?? Not even a hornet, it's the hornet. What a tantalizing clue. Without further information, I will assume that the conquest of the promised land went down something like this...

God says this:



and then this happens:



All of chapter 8 basically says, love God, obey God and his commandments, remember God, don't worship other Gods, etc... again. We've heard this before, countless times. Just fucking obey is the central theme of this book, clearly.

We do learn a few interesting things in chapter 8...

• Apparently the whole point of wandering in the wilderness for 40 years was to "humble" them. I guess, if by "humble" you mean "kill everyone over 20."
• The point of manna was to teach them that "man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." Funny, I thought the point was so they wouldn't starve to death. Also, I don't know how that was supposed to teach them that, unless manna was obviously words from the mouth of God. From the description, it sounded more like bread. As in, man does live on bread alone.
  
• A secondary point of manna was to "test" them. What the hell kind of test is that.
  
• Apparently in those 40 years their clothes did not wear out. Woo hoo, a miracle.

Numbers 35-36: Again, nothing really happened

God, after declaring that the Levites weren't going to get any land, says that each of the other 11 tribes must give them land out of their own inheritance. Weird. Anyway, they get 48 cities, and some land.

6 of the Levite cities are supposed to be "cities of refuge," where a person who accidentally killed someone can go to hide and be safe from anyone who wants revenge, until they stand trial. Yep, because then no one will know where they are. Oh wait...

This is so weird. If you accidentally killed someone, you stand trial. But whatever the outcome, you have to stay in the city of refuge until the high priest dies. (Err, why then? What happens when the high priest dies?) If you leave the city of refuge, anyone can, without blame, kill you out of revenge. But if they kill you in the city, they'll be in trouble! Weird.

Now God clears up some point about inheritance. Remember a couple of chapters ago, God said that women can inherit property? Some people are upset about that, because if a woman owns property and then marries someone from another clan, her property will be removed from her clan and added to her husband's clan. Oh dear. Clearly this cannot be! And God agrees. To deal with this, God declares that if a woman owns property, she must marry someone from her own clan.

And that's the end of Numbers. The Israelites traveled from Mt. Sinai to near the promised land, spent 40 years wandering around killing people, and when the entire older generation of Israelites were dead (as promised by the oh-so-merciful God), they finally get to the River Jordan, where they are about to go into the holy land. Overall, I was impressed with how much this book managed to be horrifically violent and boring all at the same time.

Numbers 26-34: 8 chapters and nothing happened

God says, look, I know you're all busy with the conquest and whatnot, but I demand you do another census! And they count every male older than 20 years, and it was boring. It makes some statement about how not a single person counted last time is still alive, except Caleb and Joshua (and Moses I suppose). God promised that they would all be dead by the time they reached the promised land, and I guess that's one promise he actually kept. Wonderful.

Then God gives the Israelites some inheritance law. This is prompted by some uppity woman complaining to Moses about how she should get her father's inheritance, and for some reason God agrees with her. I am shocked.

For his next act, God orders Moses to climb a mountain and die, just like Aaron. And he names Joshua the new leader. But first, God spends a chapter reiterating some of the rules from Exodus and Leviticus. Just reliving those good old times, I suppose. There's actually a new rule here: if a woman makes a vow and her father or husband forbid her from actually making good on it, God will release her from the vow. Random, as ever.

Hmm, actually, before Moses can die God wants him to "take vengeance on the Midianites." For what, I don't know. So the Israelites killed every Midianite man, and took all the woman and children and goods for themselves, and burned everything else down. But that's not good enough for Moses, he tells them to kill every boy and every woman who isn't a virgin. And they do. Yay.

Then there is half a chapter about what they looted (including the virgins!) and how much, and how it was all split up. This is Numbers, after all, I suppose. I'm just surprised it wasn't longer.

I continue to be amazed at how the bible can be so horrifically violent, and yet so boring, all at the same time. I've never read anything else quite like it.

So they are about to cross the river Jordan, which is seemingly the official boundary of the "promised land." (So why have they been killing so many people on their way here? I thought the point of all that killing was so they could take over the promised land. But it seems it was just some pointless slaughtering of innocents, just for fun! Cause they weren't staying there...they just killed everyone and moved on. WTF.) A couple of clans come up to Moses (who for some reason isn't dead yet) and say they want to stay here. Moses calls them cowards for not going into battle with the rest. As a compromise, Moses agrees that their women and children can stay here because it's safer, but their men have to come help with the fighting, and they can't come back here until the whole promised land is conquered.

Interesting tidbit here... we finally find out the time scale of their trip now. I know it was supposed to take 40 years, but I've been wondering when (or if) that happened. So a few chapters ago, they just got near the promised land and sent scouts out, and God got upset about their realistic reports and killed them, and also promised that anyone who had "grumbled" would die in the wilderness before they get there. Apparently it is now 40 years since that happened...God's solution for killing them off in the wilderness was apparently to just make them wander around until that generation died of old age. I guess this is what God not killing people looks like (remember he promised not to kill them?) Brilliant loophole. Excellent story telling too. I had absolutely no idea that the seemingly random wandering of the past few chapters was supposed to have taken 40 years.

Anyway...then we get a chapter long recap of their journey so far. Boring. God takes the opportunity to once again tell them to fucking kill everybody. Or he will kill them and you. Somebody needs a nap.

Then God tells them what the boundaries of their land will be. And he tells them who will decide which clan gets what land. Can't these people decide anything for themselves?

By the way, Moses is still not dead.

Numbers 15-19: God kills some more Israelites

Right, so we've just gone from Mt. Sinai to the promised land (or at least near the promised land) in like 2 chapters, God almost kills everyone a couple of times on the way there, then they get there and have a fight about whether they can conquer the natives, God tries to kill everyone again, but gets talked into doing it later rather than now. Action packed, that was.

But now, it's boring again. God demands more sacrifice now that they're in the promised land, but doesn't say why. Maybe it's because they have more because the land is so great. But I think it's because God thinks he deserves a reward for his fine behavior thus far. That seems more in line with his nature anyway.

Here's a charming little story about how the Israelites found some random guy gathering wood on the sabbath. It's not clear to me, but it looks like this guy isn't even Israelite, so he's probably not even aware of their stupid laws. Nonetheless, God decrees that everyone has to stone him to death. So they do. Aww.

I don't get why gathering wood counts as working on the sabbath, but throwing rocks and someone until their body is a useless pile of pulp is not working on the sabbath. Oh well.

Then God tells Moses that everyone has to put blue tassels on the "corners of their garments," as a continual reminder of God and his petty commandments. Random.

In chapter 16 God kills some more Israelites. Seriously, God has killed more Israelites than he has killed anyone else so far, and they are his chosen people!! WTF?!

Chapter 16 starts with Korah and 250 others who think that the privileged priest class is unfair, and that everyone is holy and thus should be equals. Lol, I think Jesus said something like that; sadly for Korah, he is way ahead of his time. Moses's solution to this obviously terrible problem is to have the dissenters and all the priests offer incense to God, and see who God picks. (But how will they tell? It doesn't say, but later we learn it's the ones that don't burn to death that are the winners.) So they do that, and God shows up and tells the priests to stand clear so he can destroy the dissenters. Apparently God has not lost his flair for the dramatic. Moses pleads with God to only destroy the leaders and spare the rest (this shit is so predictable). So God makes a hole in the earth to swallow up the leaders, and their families (God is, yet again, murdering innocent children). Then God goes ahead and burns the rest of the 250 dissenters to death, in a big "fuck you!" to Moses.

Interestingly, the bible has this to say about the hole he made for the dissenters to fall into:

They went down alive into the realm of the dead ... the earth closed over them, and they perished and were gone from the community.

Is this the first mention of some sort of afterlife? Or is this the first mention of hell? I don't really get that.

Anywho, after this happens, all the Israelites get upset, thinking that they're going to be next. Moses has another uprising on his hands. God shows up and starts smiting everyone with a plague. Moses, what a quick thinker, has Aaron make atonement for the Israelites. Apparently just when he does that the plague suddenly stops, but not before 14,700 people died.

Er, God? Just a thought...maybe if you didn't habitually murder your own people, they wouldn't "grumble" about you so much.

Chapter 17, God gets this brilliant idea for getting the people to stop their grumbling. He gets Moses to collect a staff from each of the 12 tribes and put them in the God-tent. Then, "The staff belonging to the man I choose will sprout, and I will rid myself of this constant grumbling against you by the Israelites." What the fuck is this supposed to prove?

So they do that, and surprise surprise, it's Aaron and the Levites staff that blossoms. And grows acorns, no less. So Moses shows this to everyone, then puts the Levites staff back in the tabernacle. "Put back Aaron’s staff in front of the ark of the covenant law, to be kept as a sign to the rebellious. This will put an end to their grumbling against me, so that they will not die."

I still have no idea what the fuck this is all about.

Apparently the Israelites don't get it either, because the story ends with this: “We will die! We are lost, we are all lost! Anyone who even comes near the tabernacle of the LORD will die. Are we all going to die?" Guess that didn't work.

Chapter 18 is all about the duties and privileges of the Levites and the priests. Nothing we haven't heard before really, except that they aren't going to get any land in Canaan.

Chapter 19 gives the recipe for "water of cleansing." Take one red heifer outside the camp and burn it with cedar, hyssop, and scarlet wool. Collect the ashes and mix with water.

Why, oh why, would anyone want to make this, you ask? Why, it is used to cleanse people who are unclean because they've been in contact with dead bodies. (That is so specific. I remember like 30 ways to become unclean, but you only use the "water of cleansing" for one of them?) There's a bunch of ritual given involving sprinking the water on the unclean person, and presto, clean again!

Numbers 9-14: Arrival at the promised land, some actual story

So now it's a year and one month after they left Egypt, even though Numbers started off a year and two months after Egypt. Can't this shit even be chronological? It's confusing enough as it is.

They are also still, in fact, at Mt. Sinai. Seriously.

God says, "you people be fucking sure to celebrate the passover, even though I've told you about it 10,000 times already!" Small point of order: what if I've become unclean because someone close to me died? Can I still celebrate the passover? The answer is yes, but one month later.

In their travels, God apparently controlled when they traveled and when they camped. When there was a cloud that also looked like fire (huh?) over the tabernacle, they camped until the cloud left (so what, they didn't even disassemble it to carry it? Or did God just descend upon the wagon that the pieces of the tent were in...). When the cloud left, they immediately set out again, even if it was the middle of the night. They camped as long as the cloud stayed, "Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year." And hence a journey of a few months dragged out for 40 years, apparently.

God handily suggests they make trumpets for letting people know when it's time to set out. Interestingly, God himself seems to not have either the will or the ability to let more than just a few people know when it's time to go. He also suggests they use the trumpets for other things, such as communicating in battle, or celebrating festivals. What a handy God.

Now they travel from Sinai to the Desert of Paran. And they give the marching order, again. Ugh.

People complain, and God burns some of them to death. Then Moses prays and the fire dies down. Aww.

Now here's a fantastic story. People are complaining about the manna...they want meat. Moses complains to God about how the people are upset and it's all too much for him, and he never asked to be in charge anyway. So God says he's going to help Moses out by "taking some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them [70 Israelite elders]. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone." Um, what Spirit? The Holy Spirit? This is the first we've heard of it...and far from being in everybody, as I was taught, it seems to only be in a select elite. Wonderful.

Now God turns his attention to everyone else and their complaining about not having meat. God, in an incredibly spiteful move, promises to give them so much quail to eat for the next month, that "it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it." Really? So, God makes a wind that blows the quail in from the sea, and quail cover the ground 3 feet thick for at least a day's walk in any direction from their camp. And then, for even more spite, just when they are about to eat some of it, God suddenly smites them with a plague. And all sorts of people die. Seriously. What the fuck is that all about?

Here's another weird story. Aaron and Miriam (Moses and Aaron's sister) talk about Moses behind his back. Apparently God overheard, because he calls all 3 of them together and says "Moses is my prophet! How dare you speak poorly of him!" Then he gets mad and leaves. Suddenly, Miriam has leprosy. (Why not Aaron too?) Moses asks God to heal her. God says, "I'll do it in 7 days. Let her suffer til then!" So she has to go outside the camp for 7 days, and they all have to wait. Again, what the fuck.

So now they're at Paran. God tells Moses to send some people out to scout Canaan. So what...are they there already? No idea. They return in 40 days though, so I guess they can't be far. They come back and report on all the awesome fruit that grows there, and they have an argument about whether they could conquer the people or not. (So, what, they're not even going to try talking to these people before they attack? I knew that's what they were going to do, but it still seems ridiculous.) Anyway, they describe the cities as large and fortified, and the people as so large that "we seemed like grasshoppers." Yep, you could totally take them.

The people hear this report, and suddenly Moses has an uprising on his hands. The people don't want to die in battle, and who can blame them. Some wanted to elect a new leader and go back to Egypt. (Yeah, I'm sure you'll get a warm welcome there.) Joshua and Caleb (2 of the guys in the scouting party) tell everyone again how incredibly awesome the land is and reassure everyone that they will totally win, because God is on their side. The people react to this inspiring speech by wanting to stone them to death (lol).

God comes along and says "WTF? I'm going to kill all the Israelites with a plague and start again." Cause that's his answer to everything...wipe it out and start over. Once again, Moses talks him out of it (I still don't get how it is even possible to talk God out of something). Interestingly, part of Moses' plea to God was this: "just as you have declared: ‘The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion'" Lol, when did God, or anyone, ever say that? I don't remember it. And it sure as fuck is not evident in his actions.

So God says, "Yeah, alright, I forgive them. BUT! Everyone who is at least 20 years old and has grumbled against me will die before we get to the promised land...which is pretty much everybody except for Joshua and Caleb." Yep, that is surely true forgiveness. Err, wait, I mean that is "God getting exactly what he wanted in the first place," except he spared the children. I still think God (OT God, anyway) is literally incapable of forgiveness.

Also, all of the 12 men who went scouting and came back with a "bad report" (i.e. a realistic report) about it, which started this whole thing...they were all struck with a plague right then and there. That's all of them, except for Joshua and Caleb. Wonderful. God apparently would prefer blind optimism over reality. Actually, that's not so surprising.

So Moses tells all this to the Israelites, they get upset (presumably because they don't want to die, and who can blame them), so they are like "we've learned our lesson, we want to go to the promised land now!!!" So they went on without Moses or the tabernacle, and in the direction God told them not to go. Why? I dunno. Maybe they panicked. Maybe Moses forgot to tell them the part about which direction they were supposed to go next while he was telling them that God is going to kill them soon. Anyway, they get attacked by the people living in the area, and I assume, many were killed. Fantastic.

Numbers 6-8: Fuck the Kohathites

Now God lays out how to become a Nazirite, whatever the hell that is. Shockingly, men and women can do it. We are just told it is a "special vow of dedication to the LORD," for whatever length of time you decide. There is nothing given for why anyone would want to do this. Not even something vague and lame, like, "Because I'm God and it would make me happy." Nothing.

So, you've decided to take a "special vow" to God, whatever that means and for whatever reason. Now you can't drink alcohol, or eat grapes in any form. You also may not go near a dead body. If, by chance, someone suddenly and without warning drops dead near you, you have to start over with the time of your vow. Also, you cannot cut your hair...that is the symbol of your vow. As soon as the vow is over, you shave your head, make some sacrifices, and have a glass of wine.

God also tells Moses and Aaron the specific words they have to say to bless the Israelites. This just seems weird to me. Why does God need specific words to be spoken to bless people? Actually, why do they even have to ask at all? Couldn't God just bless the Israelites anyway? They are his favoritest people, after all. (Of course, I don't even get why they are the favorite. Why can't God just like everybody? I am so confused.)

Now Moses sets up the tabernacle, and the heads of the families come with "offerings." They give Moses a bunch of oxen and wagons, and God says "give them to the Levites, so they can use them to haul around all this shit I made you build." What a nice guy! Oh but wait...one clan of the Levites, the Kohathites, must "carry on their shoulders the holy things." I don't know what these people did that was so horrible.

Then there's an entire chapter listing each and every thing the heads of the families offered, besides the wagons. Boring.

There's an interesting little sentence here: Numbers 7:89, it says that whenever Moses talked to God in the tabernacle, God talked to him out of the cherubs that decorated the ark of the covenant. Moses sounds crazy to me...

Now God has to make damn sure, for like the 5th time, that Aaron is tending the lamp in the tabernacle correctly. Holy shit, that lamp must be important.

Right, apparently it's time to "purify" the Levites, so they can begin their service to the priesthood. To purify them, sprinkle them with "the water of cleansing." Then they have to shave their body hair and wash their clothes. And, of course, lots of stupid sacrifice.

Interestingly, the Levites themselves are a "wave offering" to God, on behalf of the rest of the Israelites. I have no idea what this means. I don't remember if it actually said this or if I just inferred it from the name, but I thought a wave offering was something that was literally waved around in the air. Clearly this can't be the case...

Numbers 1-5: Let's count everything!

Ah, Numbers. I can see why they call this book Numbers. Cause it's jammed full of numbers, so far anyway. I have yet to see whether God continues to circuitously lay down stupid laws in this book.

Numbers starts off 1 year and 2 months after they leave Egypt. Because of the lack of any time frame up til now, I have no idea if this is a direct continuation of Leviticus and they're still at Mt. Sinai, or if they've left by now.

Anyway, God comes along and tells Moses to do a census. And he has to tell Moses specifically which guys to get to help him. Can't Moses do anything on his own?

So they do the census, which clearly only includes adult men. They give how many are in each of the 12 tribes of Israel (The descendants of Jacob's 12 sons. Apparently the descendants of Jacob's daughter, Dinah, can fuck off. I wonder what ever happened to them, anyway?). And the Levites are not counted in the census, because they are to be in charge of the tabernacle. They get the privilege of carting this load of useless stuff around, and in return they don't get counted in the census. Makes complete sense to me!

Also, if anyone besides the Levites approaches the tabernacle, they will die. Excluding Moses and the priests, I guess, though it doesn't actually say that. Why? No idea.

God also tells them to set up their camps such that they are divided into their 12 tribes. Why? I thought this was supposed to be all one people, God's chosen people. Why are they supposed to divide themselves?

The next chapter, God gives Moses the marching order for the 12 tribes. Why is this important? Also, they give how many are in each tribe, again. I can see this book is going to be just as repetitive as the last.

Now there's a bit more about the Levites. They are basically born to serve the priests. They don't even get the option to be priests themselves... Seems like a raw deal. God says that he will not demand the first borns from the rest of the Israelites, because he is taking all of the Levites instead. I really don't get what the Levites ever did to deserve this.

They list the sub-clans of the Levites, and what they were each in charge of. Like, one is in charge of the tent frame, one in charge of the alters, etc. Imagine, from birth the only prospect for you and your entire family is to be in charge of God's tent poles. Ugh.

Then God has Moses count all the Levites, and all the first born Israelites, apparently to make sure he wasn't getting gypped in his deal to take them instead. The number of Levites was 20,000, the number of first borns was 22,273. Oh no, God is missing out on 273 people! (I still don't get why God is claiming people for his very own, or what that even means.) So to make up the difference, God makes the Israelites give 5 shekels for each of the 273 to Aaron. This is just so confusing and nit-picky, I don't even know what to make of it.

Chapter 4 goes into detail about what the responsibilities of the Levites are, regarding the tabernacle. Basically, everything little thing they do is under the direct supervision of Aaron and the priests. Also, the Levites are not allowed to actually touch anything; it all has to be wrapped in leather or cloth by the priests first.

They also do some more counting...this time they count all of the people in the sub-clans of the Levites.

More randomness... if you are unclean, you must go outside the camp (I guess until you are clean again?). The reason is that you are defiling the camp with your uncleanliness, and God is in the camp, so you have to leave. A couple of things:

1. God said in Exodus he wasn't going to be traveling with them, so what is he doing in their camp?
2. In what way is omnipresent God not outside of the camp?

Here's a really weird way to find out if your wife has been sleeping around. First, obviously, all that is required to warrant the test is that the husband is suspicious. That's all. Then you go see the priest. The priest mixes holy water with dirt from the tabernacle floor. Then he basically curses the woman...if she did sleep with someone else, "May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells or your womb miscarries.” And if not, nothing happens. He writes the curse out, then washes the ink or whatever off into that holy water/dirt. Then she has to drink it. And then you wait and see what happens. I really don't get what this stupid test is supposed to prove, except that it's probably a bad idea to eat random dirt off the ground. Also, it seems to me that it would be really easy for the priest to rig the test by poisoning her or something.

Leviticus 20-27: Yet more random shit

Now we get a list of punishments for this stuff they aren't supposed to do.

• Sacrificing your children to Molek - stoned to death. (Who the fuck is Molek?) You also get "cut off from your people," though I don't see why that matters when you're dead.
  
• If you know of someone who sacrifices children to Molek, but you ignore it, you also get "cut off from your people." But you don't get bludgeoned to death with rocks.
• Following spiritists and mediums - cut off from your people
• Cursing your mother or father - death. Obviously.
• Adultery - both people die
• Gay sex - death for both people
• Marrying both a women and her mother - all 3 of you get to "burn in the fire, so no wickedness will be among you." Err...burn that wickedness away? Again, not sure why it matters that you got rid of your wickedness when you're dead.
  
• Bestiality - death. Also, death for the animal.
• Having sex with a women on her period - you both get cut off from your people!
• Having sex with a close family member - you get cut off from your people.
• But if you have sex with your aunt, you will both "die childless." Uh huh.
• Being a medium or spiritist - stoned to death
  

Again there is a little statement about the Israelites had better be damned sure to not follow the ways of the people they're about to conquer, because they were bad, horrible people and God hates them all. Even though God already knew they were going to be bad back in Genesis and did absolutely nothing to prevent it. I don't get this book.

Now, there's even more stupid rules to torture the priests with! Gah. The priests must not make himself unclean by handling dead bodies. They must not cut their hair or beards. The girl they marry must be a virgin. If their daughter becomes a prostitute, she must be burned to death. Any person with a "defect" cannot be a priest, clearly because he would desecrate the tabernacle if he went in it.

The priests must be ceremonially clean when they do sacrifices, otherwise they will be cut off from the people. Also, "The priests are to perform my service in such a way that they do not become guilty and die for treating it with contempt." WTF?

It says (AGAIN) that the animal sacrifices cannot have a defect (which includes everything from a wart to crushed testicles). Also, animals become eligible for sacrifice after they are only 8 days old.

Then the holidays are listed, and details about how to celebrate them are given. Seriously, it's been over all this so many times already, I'm not going to go into it again.

And here, again, is the command that Aaron light and tend the lamp in the tabernacle all night, every night. When is this guy supposed to sleep? Seriously? And, again, God says that he wants bread on the table in the tabernacle. Why, who knows.

Now here's a charming little anecdote about someone (possibly a little boy? hard to tell) who blasphemes the name of God! Oh such horribleness. Then God tells Moses to have the entire assembly stone him to death. Make an example of the cheeky bastard, I guess... I remember something about "don't blaspheme," but, interestingly, I don't remember anything about the fact that if you do, you get stoned to death. Surprise!

Funnily enough, God seems to take this opportunity to ramble on some more about his laws. Immediately after the stoning, God says, "Anyone who takes the life of a human being is to be put to death." So... I guess that means all the Israelites have to die now. As well as God himself, really. Wonderful.

He also rambles on about some other stuff at this point, but it's nothing we haven't heard already, repeatedly.

They must give the land a "sabbath," every 7th year, where they don't plant anything. We've heard this a few times before.

Now here's some stuff about property. Some confusing stuff about a "year of jubilation" every 50 years... something about how on that year, everyone is supposed to return to his family's property. So as I understand it, the Smiths own this chunk of land. But young Bob Smith buys a piece of land from the Johnsons and starts his own farm or whatever. But on the year of jubilation, Bob gives the Johnsons back "their land," for good, and goes back to the Smith land. This excludes houses in a walled city, apparently. That is so weird. But that's how it sounds.

Hmm, apparently none of this matters at all, because all the land actually belongs to God: Leviticus 25:23, God says, "The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers." WTF??? The Israelites are all going to be foreigners in the promised land? After God has been going on since Genesis about how "the land is going to be yours!" This God makes no fucking sense.

Also, more thinly veiled threats from God...apparently the land will only produce food if the Israelites are good and do what they're told.

There's some stuff about how you really shouldn't take advantage of poor Israelites... don't turn them into slaves or whatever. Nope, the slaves are supposed to come from other nations. This part downright encourages them to enslave other people, actually.

Here's that threat from God again...do what I say, and you get rain, and abundant food, and peace, and wild beasts and enemies won't attack, and lots of babies. Great.

Now, holy crap. God rants for about a chapter about all the stuff he will do to the Israelites if they disobey him. Really twisted shit. Here's a good part: Leviticus 26:29 "You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters." Great. It goes on like that for a whole chapter. How can anyone reconcile chapter 26 with a loving God?

Chapter 27 is really weird, and all about "dedicating" stuff to God. Apparently you can dedicate something (a person, animal, house, etc) to God, by giving...someone (the priests?)...the equivalent monetary value. Aside from the fact that I don't know what it means to "dedicate" something like a house to God, this chapter is fun because it gives monetary value for human beings, something I didn't really think was possible... Is it any surprise to anyone that men are twice as valuable as women? Also age factors in, basically people in their prime are worth the most, the elderly are worth not much, and babies are worth almost nothing at all. Interesting.

So that's basically Leviticus. Seriously, so fucking boring and repetitive. They have been at Mt. Sinai for the entire book and half of the last one, listening to God lay down random, arbitrary, wandering, repetitive, stupid, tedious laws. The only break in this was the parts where God demonstrates his cruelty and wrath by ruthlessly burning Aaron's sons to death, for no obvious reason, and by ordering the stoning of the guy who blasphemed. And I guess the part where they find out they get to eat their own children if they disobey. Ugh.

This covenant just gets better and better. We've gone from tons of descendants and good land, no strings attached, to you people get to live as strangers in my land, provided you mutilate your genitals, are willing to sacrifice your own children to me, get enslaved by the Egyptians for 400 years (at least that part is over now), and you generally have to follow every single one of my stupid little nit-picky commandments, or I'll kill you or send you away. What a load of bullshit.

And this is how God treats his favorite people! What horrible things does he do to the people he doesn't like? I suspect we'll find out soon, if God ever shuts his mouth and they leave Mt. Sinai.

Leviticus 16-19: God has office hours, repeats himself some more

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Leviticus 11-15: Unclean!!!

So after a brief story, we're back into God handing out endless laws and rules. Now we get a big list of what's "clean" and "unclean!" Whatever that means. Of course there's no explanation. The only explanation we get for why we should care is this: "I am the LORD, who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore be holy, because I am holy."

Anyway, about food...any land animal that both chews the cud and has a divided hoof is clean. So, no pigs, no camels, etc.

Interestingly, the bible says that rabbits chew the cud. I'm pretty sure they don't. If you want to see how Christians rationalize this, click here. Basically, rabbits eat their own droppings to give their digestive tracts a second chance at getting the nutrients out. And if you assume "chew the cud" means "digest food twice" instead of specifically what you'd think it means, then yeah, fine. But then why was it translated that way?

For sea creatures, anything that has both fins and scales is clean. So, what, no dolphin? Aww!

For birds, there is a list of specific birds which are unclean, which interestingly includes bats, which are not birds. Of course this is rationalized too; apparently the original text said "winged animal," not "bird." Again, fine, but why did it get mistranslated again?

All insects are unclean, except for a few specific exceptions. The bible also says that insects have 4 legs; another glaring error, which is also rationalized. Apparently the back legs are not counted as legs. Who knew?

Also, everything that "moves along the ground" is unclean. This seems to mean things like lizards and snakes.

I guess unclean animals are only unclean when they are dead. Then anything or anyone that touches a dead unclean animal is themselves unclean until that evening.

Also, a woman is unclean after giving birth; 33 days if it's a boy, and 66 days if it's a girl. Uh, why? And why are you unclean for twice as long if it's a girl? Anyway, then she has to have the priest sacrifice a series of animals for her, then she can be clean again.

If you have a rash or boil, you have to go to the priest, who decides whether you're unclean or not. There's a whole chapter of "if it looks like this you're clean, if it looks like that you're unclean, if it looks like this you have to be isolated for this many days" blah blah blah. Funnily, there's a similar thing for moldy fabric. The priest gets to look at it and decide whether it's unclean or not.

If you happen to recover from your skin disease, you're still unclean, and must be "ceremonially cleansed" by the priest. First, you must wash your clothes (hey, that makes sense...) and shave off all your body hair. Then the priest must dip a live bird, wood and yarn into the blood of another bird (who makes this shit up?). Then 8 days later you have to sacrifice a bunch of other animals in really really tedious and stupid ways.

The priest gets to deal with moldy houses too. First, the priest decides whether it's a "defiling mold." Then the moldy bricks are removed. If the mold comes back, your entire house is declared unclean. Wow.

Women are unclean for 7 days a month because of their period. Any man that has sex with her during this time is also unclean for 7 days. Men are unclean until evening whenever they ejaculate. If a man ejaculates during sex, both people are unclean til evening. Hmm, in Genesis, God kills you for pulling out. Here, God talks so casually about ejaculating while not mid-coitus. I guess God changed his mind about that.

If someone has an "unusual discharge" they are unclean for as long as it lasts. Of course, when it stops you are still unclean until your ceremonial cleansing 8 days later! Which, of course, involves animal sacrifice with lots of tedious rules.

Well, that was kind of stupid and boring.

Leviticus 8-10: Tabernacle = fiery death trap

So now we have the ordination of the new priests, Aaron and his 4 sons. Lots of detail of course. Seriously, it seems that all I've read out of this damn book lately is endless repetition about the tabernacle, animal sacrifice, and stupid rules like "don't cook a baby goat in it's mother's milk." Of course, this is the perfect and inerrant word of God, so he must have had a good reason to go into excruciating repetitive detail about inconsequential shit like this, while remaining conspicuously silent on matters like "who was Cain's wife," or helpful science-y things like medicine and the germ theory of disease.

Anyway, the ordination of the priests. Basically they dressed them in the priestly garments, doused the tabernacle and the priests with anointing oil, and sacrificed a bull, 2 rams, and some bread (without yeast, obviously). And they had to stay in the entrance of the tent for 7 days, and if they left they would die!

Flash forward to 8 days later. The ministry of Aaron and his sons begins! Basically they spend their first day sacrificing a shit-ton of animals for everybody. Being a priest sounds like you're effectively a butcher, plus a bunch of stupid ceremony. While all this is going on, the "glory of the LORD" appeared to everybody. (Side note: what the hell is the "glory" of the lord?) And what marvelous things did he do while he was there? "Fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the fat portions on the altar." God does love him some BBQ, I guess.

Then this happened:

Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the LORD, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD.

I wonder if God found the aroma "pleasing." As usual, I don't get this. For all the plethora of rules we've heard out of God lately, there has been absolutely nothing about fire, authorized or otherwise. And the only thing it had to say about incense was that the recipe was holy and they should only use it for holy reasons; what's holier than burning it in God's presence? Well...I guess that's just what you get for trying to upstage God? I am so over trying to figure this shit out. God randomly and arbitrarily kills people, especially his chosen people. Great.

God kills so many people over such small things... I think my continued existence is the best evidence that this particular god does not exist. If he did, he'd kill me for this blog, among other things.

Of course, I have to wonder... these guys have still got anointing oil all over them, and they are playing with open flame. I wonder if they didn't just burn up cause they were covered in oil, and it turned into a story of God's wrath. Hmm.

Actually, all the priests still have anointing oil on them, and there's anointing oil all over the tent, and they have been doing burnt offerings all day...and the alter is inside the tent. What a bunch of idiots. Of course, God supposedly told them to set it all up that way. Is God really that stupid? Or did God just want to create a fiery death trap for his priests?

Anyway, then Moses says something totally unhelpful to Aaron about how in killing his sons God is furthering his own holiness, or something (I'm finding this whole thing rather confusing). Poor Aaron.

Moses makes the dead guys' cousins drag them outside of the camp, where they apparently just leave them to rot (nothing more is said about it, anyway).

Then Moses tells Aaron and his 2 remaining sons that they are not allowed to mourn, or they would die. Also, they are not allowed to leave the tent (again), or they'll die. Then God comes along and tells them they can't drink alcohol in the tent, or they'll die. What, you thought God might say something more along the lines of "sorry I burned your sons to death?" Lulz.

Also, what's with all the threatening the priests with death? Seemingly, if they priests do anything, they die. That's the impression I'm getting so far, anyway.

Then Moses finds out that part of one of the sacrifices from earlier in the day that was supposed to be eaten was actually burned. He asks Aaron, "What the hell?" And Aaron is like, "Seriously, I've had a terrible day." And Aaron was not burned to death by God for fucking up the sacrifice, for some reason. That is so...inconsistent. I don't get it.

Leviticus 1-7: Everything you never needed to know about animal sacrifice

So this is Leviticus, the book with the reputation for being one of the most boring. Well, Exodus had 13 chapters on tabernacle building instructions, how bad could this be?

It seems to be a direct continuation of Exodus. As far as I can tell, the Israelites are still at Mt. Sinai listening to God lay down the law, much the same as the past 20 or so chapters.

Now it seems God has moved onto detailed instructions for how to sacrifice animals to himself. I'm not going to go into all the details, because frankly they are horribly tedious and (IMO) totally worthless knowledge.

In general, there are burnt offerings, grain offerings, fellowship offerings, sin offerings, and guilt offerings. There is no mention of why there are so many kinds of sacrifice, or which one you are supposed to do in which scenario (except if you sin, you are supposed to do a sin and/or guilt offering). I guess it must be self-evident, if you happened to live in the middle east ~5000 years ago. But I sure don't get it.

Well, regardless of what all these different offerings are for, there are very detailed instructions for how to do them. And these are the tedious details I wasn't going to go into.

Generally, you are to have an animal "without defect." Male or female, depending on which offering you are doing. Then, depending on the offering you're doing, who sinned (for sin and guilt offerings) and what type of animal you have, it must be slaughtered in a certain way in a certain place, you have to splash blood in certain places and/or on certain people (seriously, as far as I can tell, there is blood everywhere), certain parts of the animal are supposed to be burned, washed, waved in the air, eaten by the priests, cut to pieces, ripped in half, thrown on the ground next to the alter, taken outside the camp and burned, or any combination of these.

Fun fact #1: generally, when a bird is sacrificed, the priest must rip it's head off with his bare hands.

Fun fact #2: it says repeatedly that God finds the smell of burnt animal flesh "pleasing."

Fun fact #3: the flesh of certain offerings is "holy," and whatever touches it will also be holy, but only males of the priest's family are allowed to eat it. That's convenient.

Fun fact #4: "This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live: You must not eat any fat or any blood." OK then.

This is all just generally tedious and grisly. What I want to know is, who came up with this shit, and why did anyone ever care? Actually, I want to know why God would care. The possible reasons given for all this are:

1. So people can be forgiven by God for their sins. Of course, that just raises another question... why does God almighty need an animal to die in order to forgive people? Couldn't he just do it?
   
2. To give thanks to God. Just cause they wanna, in other words. OK, fine.
3. Possibly, to appease God so he won't be mad at you. I don't think it ever came right out and said this, but it kind of hinted that God would be upset if you didn't sacrifice something to him every now and then. Again, why does God care (actually, see #4)??
4. Possibly the most important... God finds the smell of burning animals "pleasing." Of course, that just makes me wonder why God doesn't just burn animals himself, or just make everything smell like that all the time. He could do it, being omnipotent. But no, he wants you to do it for him. Why? Who the fuck knows.
   

So, here's what I've learned about God today... he has a fetish for dead, burning animals and blood splattered all over the place, and for some stupid reason he demands that people make this happen for him, rather than simply doing it himself.

Or, the other option is that God, who is supposedly all-powerful, is incapable of forgiveness unless one of his beloved creations dies a horrible death and is then mutilated beyond all recognition by his devoted followers. I mean, if he is capable of forgiveness without all his blood and gore, why wouldn't he simply do it?

I'm not sure which is funnier.

Of course, the third option is that this is all bullshit, but I'm trying to be fair.

Exodus 32-40: Moses throws a tantrum

So, Moses is up on the mountain talking to God for 40 days, though I don't know why it had to take that long.

Meanwhile, the Israelites are getting restless. They get Aaron to make them the golden calf idol, and they sacrifice to it, and there's all sorts of "revelry."

God tells Moses to "leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.” God is so predictable. But Moses convinces him that it's a bad idea. Wait, is it even possible to talk God out of something? Never mind.

So Moses goes down the mountain, back to the Israelites, with the covenant tablets. He sees the idol, and he sees them dancing, and flies into a rage (even though God already told him all about this, so I don't know why he's so surprised). He throws the tablets to the ground, breaking them. Then he ground up the idol to a powder and made everyone drink it. (I don't get this...why would you do that? Is it not good enough to destroy the idol...melt it down or something?)

Moses tells the Levites that God wants them to kill everyone. So they do that...they kill 3000 people. Of course, as far as the bible says, God never actually said that, Moses just made it up. God was going to just let it go! So that's just great.

Then Moses goes back up the mountain to talk to God some more. He asks God to forgive them, and God just says something about how anyone who sins will be "blotted out of his book." Err, what book? And he gives them a plague for good measure.

Then God tells them to go on to Canaan, but he won't be going with them, because they are "a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way." lol. Like God has any business calling anybody "stiff-necked."

Moses asks to see Gods "glory." So God says he's going to walk in front of Moses and say his (God's) name. But, since no one can see God's face and live (when did that happen?), God will be kind enough to cover Moses's face with his hand until he's passes, then Moses gets to see his back. There is a plan to do this, but it never says whether it actually happened.

Then Moses goes back up the mountain to make new tablets. They are supposed to be exactly the same as the ones that are broken. But, here's what God told Moses to write on this set of tablets:

• Do not make a treaty with the people already in Canaan; worship meee goddamnit!!!
  
• Do not make idols
• Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread
• The first offspring of every womb belongs to me (I still don't know what this is about...God's been going on about this since the very beginning of Exodus, but I still don't get the point, or even what that means)
  
• Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest
• Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year
• Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign LORD, the God of Israel.
• Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast
• Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God
• Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk

So I know he said all this stuff before. But there's nothing about not killing, stealing, or any of the other stuff that makes sense on it's own. Nope. There's this, which is apparently the most important part. Seriously. And the bible actually calls these 10 things I've just listed "the 10 commandments." This is totally different than the 10 commandments that everyone knows (which the bible doesn't actually call "the 1o commandments"). That is just crazy.

I gotta say, the idea that the 10 commandments form a good basis of morality, or of US law, or anything else besides batshit-crazy-mumbo-jumbo, is completely ludicrous.

God also promises that he is going to go ahead of them and "drive out" all the people already in Canaan. And you people be damn sure to destroy all their temples and idols!!! For I am a ridiculously jealous and insecure god.

And Moses is up there for 40 days again, without food or water. Wow. That sounds horrible.

Actually, here's a great video summing up all this Mount Sinai stuff.



Lol. "They're the hos, I'm the pimp. And people needs to know who their pimp is." Yep, I could not have summarized Exodus any better than that.

Anyway, When Moses comes down from the mountain this time, he glows in the dark. Actually, he's "radiant" because he was talking to God. So after that, Moses took to wearing a veil, which he only removed to talk to God. I guess he didn't want to freak people out.

So then Moses goes about soliciting donations for the tabernacle, and getting people to build all that stuff. And it goes on for 6 chapters about how they made it, and how much stuff was used, and what the finished product was like. It is all extremely repetitive from before (like it wasn't boring enough to read one time. Seriously, this is a terrible book.)

Then God tells them that they are to set this up on the first day of the month. In all their travels, they set up the tabernacle on the first of the month, and then the "cloud of the lord" would descend on the tent, and they would wait (sometimes for days) for it to lift before they moved on.

I don't get the point of setting up a tent so God can visit, because I thought God wasn't going to be with them in their travels. Oh well.

I also don't get why they are hanging around at Mount Sinai to build all this stuff, when God clearly told them like 8 chapters ago that they have to get a move on to Canaan.

So I'm getting a clearer idea of why it took them 40 years to get to Canaan...not only do they have to haul all this stuff around, but every month they have to hang around for some indeterminate number of days waiting for God to clear off so they can keep going.

Anyway, this is the end of exodus. Pretty boring toward the end. If I had to sum up Exodus in just 2 sentences, it would have to be:

• "They're the hos, I'm the pimp. And people needs to know who their pimp is."
• No fucking yeast!
  

Exodus 24-31: Even MORE commandments

Right, so God is still not done. So far he's gone over the 10 commandments, and a whole extensive rulebook regarding what to do in every possible scenario involving bull-goring.

Moses goes and tells all this to everyone, and they agree to follow it all. Then Moses builds an alter and sacrifices some stuff, throws half of the blood on the alter, and sprinkles the other half on the people. Eww.

Then Moses and the elders go up the mountain and see God (even though God told the elders not to come...but he decides not to kill them all anyway, what a nice guy). So they are seeing God, but all the bible has to say about it is that the ground was paved with lapis lazuli. Seriously, who wrote this shit?

Then "the glory of the LORD settled on Mount Sinai" for 6 days, in the form of a cloud, which also looked like fire somehow. On the 7th day, Moses goes back up there (either with Joshua or alone...seriously, the details of this story are so confusing), and stays up there for 40 days.

Now God goes on for 7 chapters about how to build the tabernacle, which is “a sanctuary for me, and I will dwell among them." I can't help but wonder why this warrants 7 full chapters, while the creation of the entire universe gets only one. Oh well.

First, God gives Moses a shopping list of building materials, which he is to obtain by donations from the Israelites. Mostly gold, silver, and a bunch of other fine metals and fabrics. I have to wonder why they would have any of this stuff at all. I mean, these people were slaves...how much gold and silver do slaves really have? Even so, these people had to flee their homes. I know when I'm fleeing for my life, I go straight past useful things like food to be sure to grab all the gold and silver, just incase God wants to build something in the middle of the desert. Really?

Anyway, then God gives horribly detailed instructions for building the following objects (seriously, if you thought Noah's ark was boring, don't even bother with this).

First the ark of the covenant, basically a wooden box with carrying poles, for holding the "tablets of covenant law." And it has to be decorated with cherubs.

Then a table, also with carrying poles, and a bunch of gold dishes. And they are to put bread on it whenever God is around. I thought God didn't want to be offered anything with yeast in it...

Then a fancy lampstand.

The oil for the lampstand is olive oil, and it is to be kept burning from evening to morning. "This is to be a lasting ordinance among the Israelites for the generations to come." Right then.

Then a fancy wooden alter with bronze utensils.

The tabernacle itself seems to be a series of curtains and a wooden frame...so basically a tent. There is to be a fancy curtain splitting the tent in two parts... the "Holy Place" and the "Most Holy Place." Lol, great names. The ark goes in the "Most Holy Place" and the lampstand and table go in the "Holy Place."

There's also instructions for another fancy alter specifically for burning incense. It sounds like this also goes in the tabernacle, possibly conveniently right in the middle of it, blocking the dividing curtain.

More stuff to go inside the tabernacle: a bronze bowl of water, so Aaron can wash his hands and feet. If he doesn't, he dies...God must love purell.

Also, the tabernacle is to have a courtyard.

Aaron and his 4 sons will be priests, and extremely detailed descriptions of how to make their priestly garments are given, including linen underpants! Also gold bells, so that "The sound of the bells will be heard when he enters the Holy Place before the LORD and when he comes out, so that he will not die." Weird. Apparently God will kill you if you don't jingle in his presence.

Then there is instructions on how to consecrate the priests... a bunch of really weird stuff involving a young bull, 2 rams, and some bread, of which certain parts must be burned on the alter, others waved in the air, and others eaten. And they have to do this for 7 days. I don't know if they have to do that just once, or every time they want to enter the tent (tabernacle). Though they have to go in the tent every day to tend the lamp. I dunno.

Also, God expects a routine sacrifice twice a day... some strange concoction of lamb, olive oil, and wine.

God wants the Israelites to give him money at each census, otherwise they will get a plague; God is all about the coercion of his chosen people.

Then there is a recipe for anointing oil to smear on all this stuff, so it can be holy. I don't get why we need oil to make it holy...can't God just do that? Oh well.

There is also God's favorite recipe for incense.

Also, God was kind enough to magically beam the knowledge of how to make all of this stuff into the minds of the most skilled workers, so I'm not sure why he's bothering to tell Moses about it.

God also goes on about the sabbath some more. To desecrate the sabbath is death, if you work on the sabbath you get "cut off from your people." But wait, 2 sentences later working on the sabbath is also death. Hmm.

Now, it seems that God is finally done talking, and gives Moses the 2 tablets of "covenant law" ... "the tablets of stone inscribed by the finger of God!" Oooo, fancy. I wonder how he fit all of this on just 2 tablets. I know he wrote on both sides, but still... I guess that's omnipotence for you. Ooo.

So, do they have to make all of this stuff right now, and then haul it around the desert with them? Is that why it takes them 40 years to get to Canaan? If that is true, then God is a total asshole (but then, he was already).

Exodus 21-23: Some more commandments

So, God just said the 10 commandments to the Israelites, and now he's still talking to Moses by himself. Looks like God has a lot more law to lay down. Check this out, anybody who thinks that the 10 commandments were so brilliantly simple that the Israelites just didn't need any other laws, and neither do we!

About servants: you buy a servant, they serve you 6 years, then they go free. But only if it's a man, if it's a woman you keep her forever (cause that's fair). If he already had a wife, the wife goes free too. If they marry during those 6 years, you get to keep the wife, and any kids, apparently forever. Seriously. If, after 6 years, a servant decides he doesn't want to abandon his wife and kids, he can stay on as a servant too, forever, but only after you pierce his ear with an awl. WTF. If your son marries a female servant, that servant attains the status of daughter. Friendly.

Punishment for personal injuries:

• murder = death
• manslaughter (accidental killing) = "flee to a place I [God] will designate." WTF.
• kidnapping = death
• cursing your father or mother = death (woah, seriously?)
  
• injury = "he must pay the injured man for the loss of his time"
• beating a slave to death = "punishment" (that is so specific)
• accidentally hitting a pregnant woman so that she gives birth too early, but there is no serious injury = "the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows."
• accidentally hitting a pregnant woman so that she gives birth too early, and there is a serious injury = "life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."
• hitting a servant and knocking out an eye or tooth = the servant goes free
• a bull goring someone to death = death for the bull, but nothing for the owner
• a bull goring someone to death, and the bull had a habit of goring = death for the bull and the owner
• a bull gores a slave = death for the bull, and the owner must pay 30 shekels of silver
  
• digging a pit and not covering it properly, so an ox or donkey falls in = pay the owner of the animal, but you get to keep the dead animal!
• a bull gores another bull = the 2 owners sell the remaining bull and split the money and the dead bull
• a bull gores another bull and he already had a habit of goring things = the owner must pay the other guy for his loss

Holy crap that was tedious. What's with all the "if a bull gores this, do this" rules? Did that really come up that much?

OK, rules regarding theft:

• stealing an ox = pay back 5 ox
• stealing a sheep = pay back 4 sheep
• killing an intruder at night = no punishment
• killing an intruder during the day = death (Why does it matter what time it is??)
  
• grazing your livestock in someone else's field = make restitution with stuff from your own field
• starting a fire that burns down someone else's crops = make restitution
• keeping something for someone else, and it gets stolen = if the thief is found, he must pay back double! If he is not found, you have to go before the judges, and you may be responsible.
• keeping an animal for someone, and it is injured or died = take an oath before God that you didn't do it. If the other person accepts this, nothing happens. If not, you must make restitution.
• keeping an animal for someone and it is ripped apart by wild animals = save the pieces as evidence, and there will be no punishment

"Social Responsibility"

• seducing a virgin = pay the father and take her as your wife. If the father refuses to give her to you as a wife, you must pay him anyway.
  
• "Do not allow a sorceress to live." Nice, simple, to the point.
• bestiality = death
• making sacrifices to anything other than God = death
• "Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him." Hey, that actually is friendly. Hmm, unless he is a sorcerer, or sacrificing something to his foreign God, or any number of other things. Then kill the bastard!!
  
• taking advantage of a widow or orphan = God will kill you himself. Maybe God is so touchy because he was once an orphan. That's how it would be if this were a cheesy movie, anyway.
  
• If you lend a fellow Israelite money, do not charge interest.
• "Do not blaspheme God." Shockingly, there is no punishment given for this one.
• "Do not curse the ruler of your people." Lay off Moses already!
• "Do not hold back offerings from your granaries or your vats." OK then.
• Give God your firstborn son. He's been going on about this for a while now, and I still don't know what he's on about. Does he want them all to become priests? Does he want them all as burnt offerings? No idea.
• "Do not eat the meat of an animal torn by wild beasts."

"Justice and Mercy"

• Don't spread rumors.
• "Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong."
• If you see your enemy's ox wandering off, bring it back to him. Friendly.
• Do not deny justice to the poor.
• Do not put an innocent or honest person to death. Hmm, that's interesting, given how many offenses are punishable by death. This is the whole problem with the death penalty. Thanks for pointing it out, Bible. Guess this invalidates all that other stuff punishable by death? Guess not.
  
• No bribes.

The Sabbath

• Plant your crops for 6 years, but leave the fields unplowed the 7th year, so poor people and wild animals can forage in them. Weird.
• Work 6 days, rest on the 7th. You know, I've heard this a bunch of times already, and they still haven't actually said "Sunday". Just "the 7th day." Well, I declare that the sabbath is Thursday. Why the hell not?
  
• Do not invoke the names of other Gods.

3 times a year celebrate a festival to God: Passover, the first harvest, and the last harvest. Also, do not offer a sacrifice with anything involving yeast. No fucking yeast! - this is clearly one of the central tenets of the Christian religion. Also, do not cook a baby goat in it's mother's milk.

God also tells Moses about how he is going to have his angel lead them to the promised land, and guard them on the way. Obey him and me, and all will go well for you (but if not...oh boy). The Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites and Jebusites (lol, Jebus) are already living in the promised land, but God is going to "wipe them out," so it's no problem. But you people be damned sure not to start worshiping their gods. Knock down their temples. Worship me, and you'll get food and water, no sickness, no miscarriages, no infertility, and a full life span.

Jolly good then, let's go wipe out thousands of people in the name of God, just because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then in a few thousand years, let's yell incessantly at people who dare to say our God and religion is not one of love. Hmm.

Exodus 17-20: The 10 commandments

So, once again, the Israelites have no water. But rather than asking God for water, they complain about Moses. So God tells Moses to hit a rock with his magical staff, and water comes out. Fantastic.

You know, I have to wonder... since God can apparently make it rain quail and bread every day, can't he also make it rain rain every day?? Then they would always have something to drink. How is making water come out of a rock one time any solution, since they're traveling, and thus not going to be there the next day? Oh well.

Then they are attacked by the Amalekites. Moses sends Joshua out to fight them. While the fighting is going on, Moses stands well back, but he "helps" by holding up his hands. Apparently whenever Moses's hands were up, the battle was going well, and whenever Moses's hands were down, the battle went badly. Really? So they win, and it's clearly all because Moses managed to hold his hands up the whole time. And then when it's all over, God decides that he really hates the Amalekites, so he will "be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation." Well that's friendly.

Apparently Moses didn't bother to bring his wife and kids with him when he left Egypt. So they came and found him in the desert, and the father-in-law, Jethro, came too. Jethro noticed that Moses was acting as the only judge for everyone's disputes. It said earlier that there were 600,000 men, not to mention the women and children of course, who left Egypt with Moses, so it was all more than Moses alone could handle. So Jethro suggests that he pick out some other judges to handle the simple cases. So that's what he did, yay.

Then, even though he was apparently a total convert (he went on about how great it was, what God did it Egypt, and he gave God burnt offerings!), Jethro goes back to Egypt (or wherever he came from).

This next story is a bit weird. They are near Mount Sinai, and Moses is having a friendly chat with God. God tells Moses to go tell everyone that so long as they "obey me fully," then "out of all nations you will be my treasured possession." Err, I thought this was already thoroughly established in Genesis. So Moses does that, and everyone is like, "yeah, sure."

Then God tells Moses that he is going to appear to everybody as a "dense cloud," so that they will stop giving Moses shit, basically. And they should prepare for this by being "consecrated" by Moses, washing their clothes, and abstaining from sex, for 2 days, until God appears on the 3rd day. That is so random. I mean, I already knew God is totally obsessed with the sex that his followers are having (what a perv), but why does he care if their clothes are clean? Is this like people dressing up to go to church? Cause I never understood that either.

God also tells Moses that he is going to be appearing on the mountain, and that Moses should tell all the people that they are not allowed to so much as touch the mountain, or they will die (apparently by a hail of stones or arrows). Well, that's convenient.

On the third day there is a cloud, and thunder and lightning, over the mountain. Then there's a trumpet, then a whole lot of smoke, apparently because God descended on the mountain "in fire." Then God is on top of the mountain and says "Moses, get up here!"

Wait...so Moses is allowed to go up the mountain, but no one else is? Again, that is very convenient.

God tells Moses to go tell everyone (again) to not come up the mountain. Apparently God is very concerned that they will charge up there to try to see him, and then die. Because God himself would kill them. He could just... not kill them. But what fun would that be.

So, again, Moses is acting as messenger. How is this "appearing to everybody" thing any different than usual?

Ah, here we go. God does address everybody, with the 10 commandments, which everyone knows about.

There was this funny tidbit in the "no idols" one:

I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Got that right.

Then God is talking to just Moses again. God says, tell them "no idols!" again. Apparently that is the most important one. God also says to tell them to be sure to build alters to me, and to sacrifice burnt offerings on it. But, random alter rules: "you will defile it if you use a tool on it" and "do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it." WTF? I don't even know what that second one means. I imagine someone going up on an alter by a set of stairs, and then suddenly their clothes vanish. I guess God is a fan of sight gags? And really hates stairs?