So after a brief story, we're back into God handing out endless laws and rules. Now we get a big list of what's "clean" and "unclean!" Whatever that means. Of course there's no explanation. The only explanation we get for why we should care is this: "I am the LORD, who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore be holy, because I am holy."
Anyway, about food...any land animal that both chews the cud and has a divided hoof is clean. So, no pigs, no camels, etc.
Interestingly, the bible says that rabbits chew the cud. I'm pretty sure they don't. If you want to see how Christians rationalize this, click here. Basically, rabbits eat their own droppings to give their digestive tracts a second chance at getting the nutrients out. And if you assume "chew the cud" means "digest food twice" instead of specifically what you'd think it means, then yeah, fine. But then why was it translated that way?
For sea creatures, anything that has both fins and scales is clean. So, what, no dolphin? Aww!
For birds, there is a list of specific birds which are unclean, which interestingly includes bats, which are not birds. Of course this is rationalized too; apparently the original text said "winged animal," not "bird." Again, fine, but why did it get mistranslated again?
All insects are unclean, except for a few specific exceptions. The bible also says that insects have 4 legs; another glaring error, which is also rationalized. Apparently the back legs are not counted as legs. Who knew?
Also, everything that "moves along the ground" is unclean. This seems to mean things like lizards and snakes.
I guess unclean animals are only unclean when they are dead. Then anything or anyone that touches a dead unclean animal is themselves unclean until that evening.
Also, a woman is unclean after giving birth; 33 days if it's a boy, and 66 days if it's a girl. Uh, why? And why are you unclean for twice as long if it's a girl? Anyway, then she has to have the priest sacrifice a series of animals for her, then she can be clean again.
If you have a rash or boil, you have to go to the priest, who decides whether you're unclean or not. There's a whole chapter of "if it looks like this you're clean, if it looks like that you're unclean, if it looks like this you have to be isolated for this many days" blah blah blah. Funnily, there's a similar thing for moldy fabric. The priest gets to look at it and decide whether it's unclean or not.
If you happen to recover from your skin disease, you're still unclean, and must be "ceremonially cleansed" by the priest. First, you must wash your clothes (hey, that makes sense...) and shave off all your body hair. Then the priest must dip a live bird, wood and yarn into the blood of another bird (who makes this shit up?). Then 8 days later you have to sacrifice a bunch of other animals in really really tedious and stupid ways.
The priest gets to deal with moldy houses too. First, the priest decides whether it's a "defiling mold." Then the moldy bricks are removed. If the mold comes back, your entire house is declared unclean. Wow.
Women are unclean for 7 days a month because of their period. Any man that has sex with her during this time is also unclean for 7 days. Men are unclean until evening whenever they ejaculate. If a man ejaculates during sex, both people are unclean til evening. Hmm, in Genesis, God kills you for pulling out. Here, God talks so casually about ejaculating while not mid-coitus. I guess God changed his mind about that.
If someone has an "unusual discharge" they are unclean for as long as it lasts. Of course, when it stops you are still unclean until your ceremonial cleansing 8 days later! Which, of course, involves animal sacrifice with lots of tedious rules.
Well, that was kind of stupid and boring.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Leviticus 8-10: Tabernacle = fiery death trap
So now we have the ordination of the new priests, Aaron and his 4 sons. Lots of detail of course. Seriously, it seems that all I've read out of this damn book lately is endless repetition about the tabernacle, animal sacrifice, and stupid rules like "don't cook a baby goat in it's mother's milk." Of course, this is the perfect and inerrant word of God, so he must have had a good reason to go into excruciating repetitive detail about inconsequential shit like this, while remaining conspicuously silent on matters like "who was Cain's wife," or helpful science-y things like medicine and the germ theory of disease.
Anyway, the ordination of the priests. Basically they dressed them in the priestly garments, doused the tabernacle and the priests with anointing oil, and sacrificed a bull, 2 rams, and some bread (without yeast, obviously). And they had to stay in the entrance of the tent for 7 days, and if they left they would die!
Flash forward to 8 days later. The ministry of Aaron and his sons begins! Basically they spend their first day sacrificing a shit-ton of animals for everybody. Being a priest sounds like you're effectively a butcher, plus a bunch of stupid ceremony. While all this is going on, the "glory of the LORD" appeared to everybody. (Side note: what the hell is the "glory" of the lord?) And what marvelous things did he do while he was there? "Fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the fat portions on the altar." God does love him some BBQ, I guess.
Then this happened:
God kills so many people over such small things... I think my continued existence is the best evidence that this particular god does not exist. If he did, he'd kill me for this blog, among other things.
Of course, I have to wonder... these guys have still got anointing oil all over them, and they are playing with open flame. I wonder if they didn't just burn up cause they were covered in oil, and it turned into a story of God's wrath. Hmm.
Actually, all the priests still have anointing oil on them, and there's anointing oil all over the tent, and they have been doing burnt offerings all day...and the alter is inside the tent. What a bunch of idiots. Of course, God supposedly told them to set it all up that way. Is God really that stupid? Or did God just want to create a fiery death trap for his priests?
Anyway, then Moses says something totally unhelpful to Aaron about how in killing his sons God is furthering his own holiness, or something (I'm finding this whole thing rather confusing). Poor Aaron.
Moses makes the dead guys' cousins drag them outside of the camp, where they apparently just leave them to rot (nothing more is said about it, anyway).
Then Moses tells Aaron and his 2 remaining sons that they are not allowed to mourn, or they would die. Also, they are not allowed to leave the tent (again), or they'll die. Then God comes along and tells them they can't drink alcohol in the tent, or they'll die. What, you thought God might say something more along the lines of "sorry I burned your sons to death?" Lulz.
Also, what's with all the threatening the priests with death? Seemingly, if they priests do anything, they die. That's the impression I'm getting so far, anyway.
Then Moses finds out that part of one of the sacrifices from earlier in the day that was supposed to be eaten was actually burned. He asks Aaron, "What the hell?" And Aaron is like, "Seriously, I've had a terrible day." And Aaron was not burned to death by God for fucking up the sacrifice, for some reason. That is so...inconsistent. I don't get it.
Anyway, the ordination of the priests. Basically they dressed them in the priestly garments, doused the tabernacle and the priests with anointing oil, and sacrificed a bull, 2 rams, and some bread (without yeast, obviously). And they had to stay in the entrance of the tent for 7 days, and if they left they would die!
Flash forward to 8 days later. The ministry of Aaron and his sons begins! Basically they spend their first day sacrificing a shit-ton of animals for everybody. Being a priest sounds like you're effectively a butcher, plus a bunch of stupid ceremony. While all this is going on, the "glory of the LORD" appeared to everybody. (Side note: what the hell is the "glory" of the lord?) And what marvelous things did he do while he was there? "Fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed the burnt offering and the fat portions on the altar." God does love him some BBQ, I guess.
Then this happened:
Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the LORD, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD.I wonder if God found the aroma "pleasing." As usual, I don't get this. For all the plethora of rules we've heard out of God lately, there has been absolutely nothing about fire, authorized or otherwise. And the only thing it had to say about incense was that the recipe was holy and they should only use it for holy reasons; what's holier than burning it in God's presence? Well...I guess that's just what you get for trying to upstage God? I am so over trying to figure this shit out. God randomly and arbitrarily kills people, especially his chosen people. Great.
God kills so many people over such small things... I think my continued existence is the best evidence that this particular god does not exist. If he did, he'd kill me for this blog, among other things.
Of course, I have to wonder... these guys have still got anointing oil all over them, and they are playing with open flame. I wonder if they didn't just burn up cause they were covered in oil, and it turned into a story of God's wrath. Hmm.
Actually, all the priests still have anointing oil on them, and there's anointing oil all over the tent, and they have been doing burnt offerings all day...and the alter is inside the tent. What a bunch of idiots. Of course, God supposedly told them to set it all up that way. Is God really that stupid? Or did God just want to create a fiery death trap for his priests?
Anyway, then Moses says something totally unhelpful to Aaron about how in killing his sons God is furthering his own holiness, or something (I'm finding this whole thing rather confusing). Poor Aaron.
Moses makes the dead guys' cousins drag them outside of the camp, where they apparently just leave them to rot (nothing more is said about it, anyway).
Then Moses tells Aaron and his 2 remaining sons that they are not allowed to mourn, or they would die. Also, they are not allowed to leave the tent (again), or they'll die. Then God comes along and tells them they can't drink alcohol in the tent, or they'll die. What, you thought God might say something more along the lines of "sorry I burned your sons to death?" Lulz.
Also, what's with all the threatening the priests with death? Seemingly, if they priests do anything, they die. That's the impression I'm getting so far, anyway.
Then Moses finds out that part of one of the sacrifices from earlier in the day that was supposed to be eaten was actually burned. He asks Aaron, "What the hell?" And Aaron is like, "Seriously, I've had a terrible day." And Aaron was not burned to death by God for fucking up the sacrifice, for some reason. That is so...inconsistent. I don't get it.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Leviticus 1-7: Everything you never needed to know about animal sacrifice
So this is Leviticus, the book with the reputation for being one of the most boring. Well, Exodus had 13 chapters on tabernacle building instructions, how bad could this be?
It seems to be a direct continuation of Exodus. As far as I can tell, the Israelites are still at Mt. Sinai listening to God lay down the law, much the same as the past 20 or so chapters.
Now it seems God has moved onto detailed instructions for how to sacrifice animals to himself. I'm not going to go into all the details, because frankly they are horribly tedious and (IMO) totally worthless knowledge.
In general, there are burnt offerings, grain offerings, fellowship offerings, sin offerings, and guilt offerings. There is no mention of why there are so many kinds of sacrifice, or which one you are supposed to do in which scenario (except if you sin, you are supposed to do a sin and/or guilt offering). I guess it must be self-evident, if you happened to live in the middle east ~5000 years ago. But I sure don't get it.
Well, regardless of what all these different offerings are for, there are very detailed instructions for how to do them. And these are the tedious details I wasn't going to go into.
Generally, you are to have an animal "without defect." Male or female, depending on which offering you are doing. Then, depending on the offering you're doing, who sinned (for sin and guilt offerings) and what type of animal you have, it must be slaughtered in a certain way in a certain place, you have to splash blood in certain places and/or on certain people (seriously, as far as I can tell, there is blood everywhere), certain parts of the animal are supposed to be burned, washed, waved in the air, eaten by the priests, cut to pieces, ripped in half, thrown on the ground next to the alter, taken outside the camp and burned, or any combination of these.
Fun fact #1: generally, when a bird is sacrificed, the priest must rip it's head off with his bare hands.
Fun fact #2: it says repeatedly that God finds the smell of burnt animal flesh "pleasing."
Fun fact #3: the flesh of certain offerings is "holy," and whatever touches it will also be holy, but only males of the priest's family are allowed to eat it. That's convenient.
Fun fact #4: "This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live: You must not eat any fat or any blood." OK then.
This is all just generally tedious and grisly. What I want to know is, who came up with this shit, and why did anyone ever care? Actually, I want to know why God would care. The possible reasons given for all this are:
Or, the other option is that God, who is supposedly all-powerful, is incapable of forgiveness unless one of his beloved creations dies a horrible death and is then mutilated beyond all recognition by his devoted followers. I mean, if he is capable of forgiveness without all his blood and gore, why wouldn't he simply do it?
I'm not sure which is funnier.
Of course, the third option is that this is all bullshit, but I'm trying to be fair.
It seems to be a direct continuation of Exodus. As far as I can tell, the Israelites are still at Mt. Sinai listening to God lay down the law, much the same as the past 20 or so chapters.
Now it seems God has moved onto detailed instructions for how to sacrifice animals to himself. I'm not going to go into all the details, because frankly they are horribly tedious and (IMO) totally worthless knowledge.
In general, there are burnt offerings, grain offerings, fellowship offerings, sin offerings, and guilt offerings. There is no mention of why there are so many kinds of sacrifice, or which one you are supposed to do in which scenario (except if you sin, you are supposed to do a sin and/or guilt offering). I guess it must be self-evident, if you happened to live in the middle east ~5000 years ago. But I sure don't get it.
Well, regardless of what all these different offerings are for, there are very detailed instructions for how to do them. And these are the tedious details I wasn't going to go into.
Generally, you are to have an animal "without defect." Male or female, depending on which offering you are doing. Then, depending on the offering you're doing, who sinned (for sin and guilt offerings) and what type of animal you have, it must be slaughtered in a certain way in a certain place, you have to splash blood in certain places and/or on certain people (seriously, as far as I can tell, there is blood everywhere), certain parts of the animal are supposed to be burned, washed, waved in the air, eaten by the priests, cut to pieces, ripped in half, thrown on the ground next to the alter, taken outside the camp and burned, or any combination of these.
Fun fact #1: generally, when a bird is sacrificed, the priest must rip it's head off with his bare hands.
Fun fact #2: it says repeatedly that God finds the smell of burnt animal flesh "pleasing."
Fun fact #3: the flesh of certain offerings is "holy," and whatever touches it will also be holy, but only males of the priest's family are allowed to eat it. That's convenient.
Fun fact #4: "This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live: You must not eat any fat or any blood." OK then.
This is all just generally tedious and grisly. What I want to know is, who came up with this shit, and why did anyone ever care? Actually, I want to know why God would care. The possible reasons given for all this are:
- So people can be forgiven by God for their sins. Of course, that just raises another question... why does God almighty need an animal to die in order to forgive people? Couldn't he just do it?
- To give thanks to God. Just cause they wanna, in other words. OK, fine.
- Possibly, to appease God so he won't be mad at you. I don't think it ever came right out and said this, but it kind of hinted that God would be upset if you didn't sacrifice something to him every now and then. Again, why does God care (actually, see #4)??
- Possibly the most important... God finds the smell of burning animals "pleasing." Of course, that just makes me wonder why God doesn't just burn animals himself, or just make everything smell like that all the time. He could do it, being omnipotent. But no, he wants you to do it for him. Why? Who the fuck knows.
Or, the other option is that God, who is supposedly all-powerful, is incapable of forgiveness unless one of his beloved creations dies a horrible death and is then mutilated beyond all recognition by his devoted followers. I mean, if he is capable of forgiveness without all his blood and gore, why wouldn't he simply do it?
I'm not sure which is funnier.
Of course, the third option is that this is all bullshit, but I'm trying to be fair.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Exodus 32-40: Moses throws a tantrum
So, Moses is up on the mountain talking to God for 40 days, though I don't know why it had to take that long.
Meanwhile, the Israelites are getting restless. They get Aaron to make them the golden calf idol, and they sacrifice to it, and there's all sorts of "revelry."
God tells Moses to "leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.” God is so predictable. But Moses convinces him that it's a bad idea. Wait, is it even possible to talk God out of something? Never mind.
So Moses goes down the mountain, back to the Israelites, with the covenant tablets. He sees the idol, and he sees them dancing, and flies into a rage (even though God already told him all about this, so I don't know why he's so surprised). He throws the tablets to the ground, breaking them. Then he ground up the idol to a powder and made everyone drink it. (I don't get this...why would you do that? Is it not good enough to destroy the idol...melt it down or something?)
Moses tells the Levites that God wants them to kill everyone. So they do that...they kill 3000 people. Of course, as far as the bible says, God never actually said that, Moses just made it up. God was going to just let it go! So that's just great.
Then Moses goes back up the mountain to talk to God some more. He asks God to forgive them, and God just says something about how anyone who sins will be "blotted out of his book." Err, what book? And he gives them a plague for good measure.
Then God tells them to go on to Canaan, but he won't be going with them, because they are "a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way." lol. Like God has any business calling anybody "stiff-necked."
Moses asks to see Gods "glory." So God says he's going to walk in front of Moses and say his (God's) name. But, since no one can see God's face and live (when did that happen?), God will be kind enough to cover Moses's face with his hand until he's passes, then Moses gets to see his back. There is a plan to do this, but it never says whether it actually happened.
Then Moses goes back up the mountain to make new tablets. They are supposed to be exactly the same as the ones that are broken. But, here's what God told Moses to write on this set of tablets:
I gotta say, the idea that the 10 commandments form a good basis of morality, or of US law, or anything else besides batshit-crazy-mumbo-jumbo, is completely ludicrous.
God also promises that he is going to go ahead of them and "drive out" all the people already in Canaan. And you people be damn sure to destroy all their temples and idols!!! For I am a ridiculously jealous and insecure god.
And Moses is up there for 40 days again, without food or water. Wow. That sounds horrible.
Actually, here's a great video summing up all this Mount Sinai stuff.
Lol. "They're the hos, I'm the pimp. And people needs to know who their pimp is." Yep, I could not have summarized Exodus any better than that.
Anyway, When Moses comes down from the mountain this time, he glows in the dark. Actually, he's "radiant" because he was talking to God. So after that, Moses took to wearing a veil, which he only removed to talk to God. I guess he didn't want to freak people out.
So then Moses goes about soliciting donations for the tabernacle, and getting people to build all that stuff. And it goes on for 6 chapters about how they made it, and how much stuff was used, and what the finished product was like. It is all extremely repetitive from before (like it wasn't boring enough to read one time. Seriously, this is a terrible book.)
Then God tells them that they are to set this up on the first day of the month. In all their travels, they set up the tabernacle on the first of the month, and then the "cloud of the lord" would descend on the tent, and they would wait (sometimes for days) for it to lift before they moved on.
I don't get the point of setting up a tent so God can visit, because I thought God wasn't going to be with them in their travels. Oh well.
I also don't get why they are hanging around at Mount Sinai to build all this stuff, when God clearly told them like 8 chapters ago that they have to get a move on to Canaan.
So I'm getting a clearer idea of why it took them 40 years to get to Canaan...not only do they have to haul all this stuff around, but every month they have to hang around for some indeterminate number of days waiting for God to clear off so they can keep going.
Anyway, this is the end of exodus. Pretty boring toward the end. If I had to sum up Exodus in just 2 sentences, it would have to be:
Meanwhile, the Israelites are getting restless. They get Aaron to make them the golden calf idol, and they sacrifice to it, and there's all sorts of "revelry."
God tells Moses to "leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.” God is so predictable. But Moses convinces him that it's a bad idea. Wait, is it even possible to talk God out of something? Never mind.
So Moses goes down the mountain, back to the Israelites, with the covenant tablets. He sees the idol, and he sees them dancing, and flies into a rage (even though God already told him all about this, so I don't know why he's so surprised). He throws the tablets to the ground, breaking them. Then he ground up the idol to a powder and made everyone drink it. (I don't get this...why would you do that? Is it not good enough to destroy the idol...melt it down or something?)
Moses tells the Levites that God wants them to kill everyone. So they do that...they kill 3000 people. Of course, as far as the bible says, God never actually said that, Moses just made it up. God was going to just let it go! So that's just great.
Then Moses goes back up the mountain to talk to God some more. He asks God to forgive them, and God just says something about how anyone who sins will be "blotted out of his book." Err, what book? And he gives them a plague for good measure.
Then God tells them to go on to Canaan, but he won't be going with them, because they are "a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way." lol. Like God has any business calling anybody "stiff-necked."
Moses asks to see Gods "glory." So God says he's going to walk in front of Moses and say his (God's) name. But, since no one can see God's face and live (when did that happen?), God will be kind enough to cover Moses's face with his hand until he's passes, then Moses gets to see his back. There is a plan to do this, but it never says whether it actually happened.
Then Moses goes back up the mountain to make new tablets. They are supposed to be exactly the same as the ones that are broken. But, here's what God told Moses to write on this set of tablets:
- Do not make a treaty with the people already in Canaan; worship meee goddamnit!!!
- Do not make idols
- Celebrate the Festival of Unleavened Bread
- The first offspring of every womb belongs to me (I still don't know what this is about...God's been going on about this since the very beginning of Exodus, but I still don't get the point, or even what that means)
- Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest
- Celebrate the Festival of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year
- Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign LORD, the God of Israel.
- Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast
- Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God
- Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk
I gotta say, the idea that the 10 commandments form a good basis of morality, or of US law, or anything else besides batshit-crazy-mumbo-jumbo, is completely ludicrous.
God also promises that he is going to go ahead of them and "drive out" all the people already in Canaan. And you people be damn sure to destroy all their temples and idols!!! For I am a ridiculously jealous and insecure god.
And Moses is up there for 40 days again, without food or water. Wow. That sounds horrible.
Actually, here's a great video summing up all this Mount Sinai stuff.
Lol. "They're the hos, I'm the pimp. And people needs to know who their pimp is." Yep, I could not have summarized Exodus any better than that.
Anyway, When Moses comes down from the mountain this time, he glows in the dark. Actually, he's "radiant" because he was talking to God. So after that, Moses took to wearing a veil, which he only removed to talk to God. I guess he didn't want to freak people out.
So then Moses goes about soliciting donations for the tabernacle, and getting people to build all that stuff. And it goes on for 6 chapters about how they made it, and how much stuff was used, and what the finished product was like. It is all extremely repetitive from before (like it wasn't boring enough to read one time. Seriously, this is a terrible book.)
Then God tells them that they are to set this up on the first day of the month. In all their travels, they set up the tabernacle on the first of the month, and then the "cloud of the lord" would descend on the tent, and they would wait (sometimes for days) for it to lift before they moved on.
I don't get the point of setting up a tent so God can visit, because I thought God wasn't going to be with them in their travels. Oh well.
I also don't get why they are hanging around at Mount Sinai to build all this stuff, when God clearly told them like 8 chapters ago that they have to get a move on to Canaan.
So I'm getting a clearer idea of why it took them 40 years to get to Canaan...not only do they have to haul all this stuff around, but every month they have to hang around for some indeterminate number of days waiting for God to clear off so they can keep going.
Anyway, this is the end of exodus. Pretty boring toward the end. If I had to sum up Exodus in just 2 sentences, it would have to be:
- "They're the hos, I'm the pimp. And people needs to know who their pimp is."
- No fucking yeast!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Exodus 24-31: Even MORE commandments
Right, so God is still not done. So far he's gone over the 10 commandments, and a whole extensive rulebook regarding what to do in every possible scenario involving bull-goring.
Moses goes and tells all this to everyone, and they agree to follow it all. Then Moses builds an alter and sacrifices some stuff, throws half of the blood on the alter, and sprinkles the other half on the people. Eww.
Then Moses and the elders go up the mountain and see God (even though God told the elders not to come...but he decides not to kill them all anyway, what a nice guy). So they are seeing God, but all the bible has to say about it is that the ground was paved with lapis lazuli. Seriously, who wrote this shit?
Then "the glory of the LORD settled on Mount Sinai" for 6 days, in the form of a cloud, which also looked like fire somehow. On the 7th day, Moses goes back up there (either with Joshua or alone...seriously, the details of this story are so confusing), and stays up there for 40 days.
Now God goes on for 7 chapters about how to build the tabernacle, which is “a sanctuary for me, and I will dwell among them." I can't help but wonder why this warrants 7 full chapters, while the creation of the entire universe gets only one. Oh well.
First, God gives Moses a shopping list of building materials, which he is to obtain by donations from the Israelites. Mostly gold, silver, and a bunch of other fine metals and fabrics. I have to wonder why they would have any of this stuff at all. I mean, these people were slaves...how much gold and silver do slaves really have? Even so, these people had to flee their homes. I know when I'm fleeing for my life, I go straight past useful things like food to be sure to grab all the gold and silver, just incase God wants to build something in the middle of the desert. Really?
Anyway, then God gives horribly detailed instructions for building the following objects (seriously, if you thought Noah's ark was boring, don't even bother with this).
First the ark of the covenant, basically a wooden box with carrying poles, for holding the "tablets of covenant law." And it has to be decorated with cherubs.
Then a table, also with carrying poles, and a bunch of gold dishes. And they are to put bread on it whenever God is around. I thought God didn't want to be offered anything with yeast in it...
Then a fancy lampstand.
The oil for the lampstand is olive oil, and it is to be kept burning from evening to morning. "This is to be a lasting ordinance among the Israelites for the generations to come." Right then.
Then a fancy wooden alter with bronze utensils.
The tabernacle itself seems to be a series of curtains and a wooden frame...so basically a tent. There is to be a fancy curtain splitting the tent in two parts... the "Holy Place" and the "Most Holy Place." Lol, great names. The ark goes in the "Most Holy Place" and the lampstand and table go in the "Holy Place."
There's also instructions for another fancy alter specifically for burning incense. It sounds like this also goes in the tabernacle, possibly conveniently right in the middle of it, blocking the dividing curtain.
More stuff to go inside the tabernacle: a bronze bowl of water, so Aaron can wash his hands and feet. If he doesn't, he dies...God must love purell.
Also, the tabernacle is to have a courtyard.
Aaron and his 4 sons will be priests, and extremely detailed descriptions of how to make their priestly garments are given, including linen underpants! Also gold bells, so that "The sound of the bells will be heard when he enters the Holy Place before the LORD and when he comes out, so that he will not die." Weird. Apparently God will kill you if you don't jingle in his presence.
Then there is instructions on how to consecrate the priests... a bunch of really weird stuff involving a young bull, 2 rams, and some bread, of which certain parts must be burned on the alter, others waved in the air, and others eaten. And they have to do this for 7 days. I don't know if they have to do that just once, or every time they want to enter the tent (tabernacle). Though they have to go in the tent every day to tend the lamp. I dunno.
Also, God expects a routine sacrifice twice a day... some strange concoction of lamb, olive oil, and wine.
God wants the Israelites to give him money at each census, otherwise they will get a plague; God is all about the coercion of his chosen people.
Then there is a recipe for anointing oil to smear on all this stuff, so it can be holy. I don't get why we need oil to make it holy...can't God just do that? Oh well.
There is also God's favorite recipe for incense.
Also, God was kind enough to magically beam the knowledge of how to make all of this stuff into the minds of the most skilled workers, so I'm not sure why he's bothering to tell Moses about it.
God also goes on about the sabbath some more. To desecrate the sabbath is death, if you work on the sabbath you get "cut off from your people." But wait, 2 sentences later working on the sabbath is also death. Hmm.
Now, it seems that God is finally done talking, and gives Moses the 2 tablets of "covenant law" ... "the tablets of stone inscribed by the finger of God!" Oooo, fancy. I wonder how he fit all of this on just 2 tablets. I know he wrote on both sides, but still... I guess that's omnipotence for you. Ooo.
So, do they have to make all of this stuff right now, and then haul it around the desert with them? Is that why it takes them 40 years to get to Canaan? If that is true, then God is a total asshole (but then, he was already).
Moses goes and tells all this to everyone, and they agree to follow it all. Then Moses builds an alter and sacrifices some stuff, throws half of the blood on the alter, and sprinkles the other half on the people. Eww.
Then Moses and the elders go up the mountain and see God (even though God told the elders not to come...but he decides not to kill them all anyway, what a nice guy). So they are seeing God, but all the bible has to say about it is that the ground was paved with lapis lazuli. Seriously, who wrote this shit?
Then "the glory of the LORD settled on Mount Sinai" for 6 days, in the form of a cloud, which also looked like fire somehow. On the 7th day, Moses goes back up there (either with Joshua or alone...seriously, the details of this story are so confusing), and stays up there for 40 days.
Now God goes on for 7 chapters about how to build the tabernacle, which is “a sanctuary for me, and I will dwell among them." I can't help but wonder why this warrants 7 full chapters, while the creation of the entire universe gets only one. Oh well.
First, God gives Moses a shopping list of building materials, which he is to obtain by donations from the Israelites. Mostly gold, silver, and a bunch of other fine metals and fabrics. I have to wonder why they would have any of this stuff at all. I mean, these people were slaves...how much gold and silver do slaves really have? Even so, these people had to flee their homes. I know when I'm fleeing for my life, I go straight past useful things like food to be sure to grab all the gold and silver, just incase God wants to build something in the middle of the desert. Really?
Anyway, then God gives horribly detailed instructions for building the following objects (seriously, if you thought Noah's ark was boring, don't even bother with this).
First the ark of the covenant, basically a wooden box with carrying poles, for holding the "tablets of covenant law." And it has to be decorated with cherubs.
Then a table, also with carrying poles, and a bunch of gold dishes. And they are to put bread on it whenever God is around. I thought God didn't want to be offered anything with yeast in it...
Then a fancy lampstand.
The oil for the lampstand is olive oil, and it is to be kept burning from evening to morning. "This is to be a lasting ordinance among the Israelites for the generations to come." Right then.
Then a fancy wooden alter with bronze utensils.
The tabernacle itself seems to be a series of curtains and a wooden frame...so basically a tent. There is to be a fancy curtain splitting the tent in two parts... the "Holy Place" and the "Most Holy Place." Lol, great names. The ark goes in the "Most Holy Place" and the lampstand and table go in the "Holy Place."
There's also instructions for another fancy alter specifically for burning incense. It sounds like this also goes in the tabernacle, possibly conveniently right in the middle of it, blocking the dividing curtain.
More stuff to go inside the tabernacle: a bronze bowl of water, so Aaron can wash his hands and feet. If he doesn't, he dies...God must love purell.
Also, the tabernacle is to have a courtyard.
Aaron and his 4 sons will be priests, and extremely detailed descriptions of how to make their priestly garments are given, including linen underpants! Also gold bells, so that "The sound of the bells will be heard when he enters the Holy Place before the LORD and when he comes out, so that he will not die." Weird. Apparently God will kill you if you don't jingle in his presence.
Then there is instructions on how to consecrate the priests... a bunch of really weird stuff involving a young bull, 2 rams, and some bread, of which certain parts must be burned on the alter, others waved in the air, and others eaten. And they have to do this for 7 days. I don't know if they have to do that just once, or every time they want to enter the tent (tabernacle). Though they have to go in the tent every day to tend the lamp. I dunno.
Also, God expects a routine sacrifice twice a day... some strange concoction of lamb, olive oil, and wine.
God wants the Israelites to give him money at each census, otherwise they will get a plague; God is all about the coercion of his chosen people.
Then there is a recipe for anointing oil to smear on all this stuff, so it can be holy. I don't get why we need oil to make it holy...can't God just do that? Oh well.
There is also God's favorite recipe for incense.
Also, God was kind enough to magically beam the knowledge of how to make all of this stuff into the minds of the most skilled workers, so I'm not sure why he's bothering to tell Moses about it.
God also goes on about the sabbath some more. To desecrate the sabbath is death, if you work on the sabbath you get "cut off from your people." But wait, 2 sentences later working on the sabbath is also death. Hmm.
Now, it seems that God is finally done talking, and gives Moses the 2 tablets of "covenant law" ... "the tablets of stone inscribed by the finger of God!" Oooo, fancy. I wonder how he fit all of this on just 2 tablets. I know he wrote on both sides, but still... I guess that's omnipotence for you. Ooo.
So, do they have to make all of this stuff right now, and then haul it around the desert with them? Is that why it takes them 40 years to get to Canaan? If that is true, then God is a total asshole (but then, he was already).
Monday, October 25, 2010
Exodus 21-23: Some more commandments
So, God just said the 10 commandments to the Israelites, and now he's still talking to Moses by himself. Looks like God has a lot more law to lay down. Check this out, anybody who thinks that the 10 commandments were so brilliantly simple that the Israelites just didn't need any other laws, and neither do we!
About servants: you buy a servant, they serve you 6 years, then they go free. But only if it's a man, if it's a woman you keep her forever (cause that's fair). If he already had a wife, the wife goes free too. If they marry during those 6 years, you get to keep the wife, and any kids, apparently forever. Seriously. If, after 6 years, a servant decides he doesn't want to abandon his wife and kids, he can stay on as a servant too, forever, but only after you pierce his ear with an awl. WTF. If your son marries a female servant, that servant attains the status of daughter. Friendly.
Punishment for personal injuries:
OK, rules regarding theft:
God also tells Moses about how he is going to have his angel lead them to the promised land, and guard them on the way. Obey him and me, and all will go well for you (but if not...oh boy). The Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites and Jebusites (lol, Jebus) are already living in the promised land, but God is going to "wipe them out," so it's no problem. But you people be damned sure not to start worshiping their gods. Knock down their temples. Worship me, and you'll get food and water, no sickness, no miscarriages, no infertility, and a full life span.
Jolly good then, let's go wipe out thousands of people in the name of God, just because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then in a few thousand years, let's yell incessantly at people who dare to say our God and religion is not one of love. Hmm.
About servants: you buy a servant, they serve you 6 years, then they go free. But only if it's a man, if it's a woman you keep her forever (cause that's fair). If he already had a wife, the wife goes free too. If they marry during those 6 years, you get to keep the wife, and any kids, apparently forever. Seriously. If, after 6 years, a servant decides he doesn't want to abandon his wife and kids, he can stay on as a servant too, forever, but only after you pierce his ear with an awl. WTF. If your son marries a female servant, that servant attains the status of daughter. Friendly.
Punishment for personal injuries:
- murder = death
- manslaughter (accidental killing) = "flee to a place I [God] will designate." WTF.
- kidnapping = death
- cursing your father or mother = death (woah, seriously?)
- injury = "he must pay the injured man for the loss of his time"
- beating a slave to death = "punishment" (that is so specific)
- accidentally hitting a pregnant woman so that she gives birth too early, but there is no serious injury = "the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows."
- accidentally hitting a pregnant woman so that she gives birth too early, and there is a serious injury = "life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise."
- hitting a servant and knocking out an eye or tooth = the servant goes free
- a bull goring someone to death = death for the bull, but nothing for the owner
- a bull goring someone to death, and the bull had a habit of goring = death for the bull and the owner
- a bull gores a slave = death for the bull, and the owner must pay 30 shekels of silver
- digging a pit and not covering it properly, so an ox or donkey falls in = pay the owner of the animal, but you get to keep the dead animal!
- a bull gores another bull = the 2 owners sell the remaining bull and split the money and the dead bull
- a bull gores another bull and he already had a habit of goring things = the owner must pay the other guy for his loss
OK, rules regarding theft:
- stealing an ox = pay back 5 ox
- stealing a sheep = pay back 4 sheep
- killing an intruder at night = no punishment
- killing an intruder during the day = death (Why does it matter what time it is??)
- grazing your livestock in someone else's field = make restitution with stuff from your own field
- starting a fire that burns down someone else's crops = make restitution
- keeping something for someone else, and it gets stolen = if the thief is found, he must pay back double! If he is not found, you have to go before the judges, and you may be responsible.
- keeping an animal for someone, and it is injured or died = take an oath before God that you didn't do it. If the other person accepts this, nothing happens. If not, you must make restitution.
- keeping an animal for someone and it is ripped apart by wild animals = save the pieces as evidence, and there will be no punishment
- seducing a virgin = pay the father and take her as your wife. If the father refuses to give her to you as a wife, you must pay him anyway.
- "Do not allow a sorceress to live." Nice, simple, to the point.
- bestiality = death
- making sacrifices to anything other than God = death
- "Do not mistreat an alien or oppress him." Hey, that actually is friendly. Hmm, unless he is a sorcerer, or sacrificing something to his foreign God, or any number of other things. Then kill the bastard!!
- taking advantage of a widow or orphan = God will kill you himself. Maybe God is so touchy because he was once an orphan. That's how it would be if this were a cheesy movie, anyway.
- If you lend a fellow Israelite money, do not charge interest.
- "Do not blaspheme God." Shockingly, there is no punishment given for this one.
- "Do not curse the ruler of your people." Lay off Moses already!
- "Do not hold back offerings from your granaries or your vats." OK then.
- Give God your firstborn son. He's been going on about this for a while now, and I still don't know what he's on about. Does he want them all to become priests? Does he want them all as burnt offerings? No idea.
- "Do not eat the meat of an animal torn by wild beasts."
- Don't spread rumors.
- "Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong."
- If you see your enemy's ox wandering off, bring it back to him. Friendly.
- Do not deny justice to the poor.
- Do not put an innocent or honest person to death. Hmm, that's interesting, given how many offenses are punishable by death. This is the whole problem with the death penalty. Thanks for pointing it out, Bible. Guess this invalidates all that other stuff punishable by death? Guess not.
- No bribes.
- Plant your crops for 6 years, but leave the fields unplowed the 7th year, so poor people and wild animals can forage in them. Weird.
- Work 6 days, rest on the 7th. You know, I've heard this a bunch of times already, and they still haven't actually said "Sunday". Just "the 7th day." Well, I declare that the sabbath is Thursday. Why the hell not?
- Do not invoke the names of other Gods.
God also tells Moses about how he is going to have his angel lead them to the promised land, and guard them on the way. Obey him and me, and all will go well for you (but if not...oh boy). The Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites and Jebusites (lol, Jebus) are already living in the promised land, but God is going to "wipe them out," so it's no problem. But you people be damned sure not to start worshiping their gods. Knock down their temples. Worship me, and you'll get food and water, no sickness, no miscarriages, no infertility, and a full life span.
Jolly good then, let's go wipe out thousands of people in the name of God, just because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then in a few thousand years, let's yell incessantly at people who dare to say our God and religion is not one of love. Hmm.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Exodus 17-20: The 10 commandments
So, once again, the Israelites have no water. But rather than asking God for water, they complain about Moses. So God tells Moses to hit a rock with his magical staff, and water comes out. Fantastic.
You know, I have to wonder... since God can apparently make it rain quail and bread every day, can't he also make it rain rain every day?? Then they would always have something to drink. How is making water come out of a rock one time any solution, since they're traveling, and thus not going to be there the next day? Oh well.
Then they are attacked by the Amalekites. Moses sends Joshua out to fight them. While the fighting is going on, Moses stands well back, but he "helps" by holding up his hands. Apparently whenever Moses's hands were up, the battle was going well, and whenever Moses's hands were down, the battle went badly. Really? So they win, and it's clearly all because Moses managed to hold his hands up the whole time. And then when it's all over, God decides that he really hates the Amalekites, so he will "be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation." Well that's friendly.
Apparently Moses didn't bother to bring his wife and kids with him when he left Egypt. So they came and found him in the desert, and the father-in-law, Jethro, came too. Jethro noticed that Moses was acting as the only judge for everyone's disputes. It said earlier that there were 600,000 men, not to mention the women and children of course, who left Egypt with Moses, so it was all more than Moses alone could handle. So Jethro suggests that he pick out some other judges to handle the simple cases. So that's what he did, yay.
Then, even though he was apparently a total convert (he went on about how great it was, what God did it Egypt, and he gave God burnt offerings!), Jethro goes back to Egypt (or wherever he came from).
This next story is a bit weird. They are near Mount Sinai, and Moses is having a friendly chat with God. God tells Moses to go tell everyone that so long as they "obey me fully," then "out of all nations you will be my treasured possession." Err, I thought this was already thoroughly established in Genesis. So Moses does that, and everyone is like, "yeah, sure."
Then God tells Moses that he is going to appear to everybody as a "dense cloud," so that they will stop giving Moses shit, basically. And they should prepare for this by being "consecrated" by Moses, washing their clothes, and abstaining from sex, for 2 days, until God appears on the 3rd day. That is so random. I mean, I already knew God is totally obsessed with the sex that his followers are having (what a perv), but why does he care if their clothes are clean? Is this like people dressing up to go to church? Cause I never understood that either.
God also tells Moses that he is going to be appearing on the mountain, and that Moses should tell all the people that they are not allowed to so much as touch the mountain, or they will die (apparently by a hail of stones or arrows). Well, that's convenient.
On the third day there is a cloud, and thunder and lightning, over the mountain. Then there's a trumpet, then a whole lot of smoke, apparently because God descended on the mountain "in fire." Then God is on top of the mountain and says "Moses, get up here!"
Wait...so Moses is allowed to go up the mountain, but no one else is? Again, that is very convenient.
God tells Moses to go tell everyone (again) to not come up the mountain. Apparently God is very concerned that they will charge up there to try to see him, and then die. Because God himself would kill them. He could just... not kill them. But what fun would that be.
So, again, Moses is acting as messenger. How is this "appearing to everybody" thing any different than usual?
Ah, here we go. God does address everybody, with the 10 commandments, which everyone knows about.
There was this funny tidbit in the "no idols" one:
Then God is talking to just Moses again. God says, tell them "no idols!" again. Apparently that is the most important one. God also says to tell them to be sure to build alters to me, and to sacrifice burnt offerings on it. But, random alter rules: "you will defile it if you use a tool on it" and "do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it." WTF? I don't even know what that second one means. I imagine someone going up on an alter by a set of stairs, and then suddenly their clothes vanish. I guess God is a fan of sight gags? And really hates stairs?
You know, I have to wonder... since God can apparently make it rain quail and bread every day, can't he also make it rain rain every day?? Then they would always have something to drink. How is making water come out of a rock one time any solution, since they're traveling, and thus not going to be there the next day? Oh well.
Then they are attacked by the Amalekites. Moses sends Joshua out to fight them. While the fighting is going on, Moses stands well back, but he "helps" by holding up his hands. Apparently whenever Moses's hands were up, the battle was going well, and whenever Moses's hands were down, the battle went badly. Really? So they win, and it's clearly all because Moses managed to hold his hands up the whole time. And then when it's all over, God decides that he really hates the Amalekites, so he will "be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation." Well that's friendly.
Apparently Moses didn't bother to bring his wife and kids with him when he left Egypt. So they came and found him in the desert, and the father-in-law, Jethro, came too. Jethro noticed that Moses was acting as the only judge for everyone's disputes. It said earlier that there were 600,000 men, not to mention the women and children of course, who left Egypt with Moses, so it was all more than Moses alone could handle. So Jethro suggests that he pick out some other judges to handle the simple cases. So that's what he did, yay.
Then, even though he was apparently a total convert (he went on about how great it was, what God did it Egypt, and he gave God burnt offerings!), Jethro goes back to Egypt (or wherever he came from).
This next story is a bit weird. They are near Mount Sinai, and Moses is having a friendly chat with God. God tells Moses to go tell everyone that so long as they "obey me fully," then "out of all nations you will be my treasured possession." Err, I thought this was already thoroughly established in Genesis. So Moses does that, and everyone is like, "yeah, sure."
Then God tells Moses that he is going to appear to everybody as a "dense cloud," so that they will stop giving Moses shit, basically. And they should prepare for this by being "consecrated" by Moses, washing their clothes, and abstaining from sex, for 2 days, until God appears on the 3rd day. That is so random. I mean, I already knew God is totally obsessed with the sex that his followers are having (what a perv), but why does he care if their clothes are clean? Is this like people dressing up to go to church? Cause I never understood that either.
God also tells Moses that he is going to be appearing on the mountain, and that Moses should tell all the people that they are not allowed to so much as touch the mountain, or they will die (apparently by a hail of stones or arrows). Well, that's convenient.
On the third day there is a cloud, and thunder and lightning, over the mountain. Then there's a trumpet, then a whole lot of smoke, apparently because God descended on the mountain "in fire." Then God is on top of the mountain and says "Moses, get up here!"
Wait...so Moses is allowed to go up the mountain, but no one else is? Again, that is very convenient.
God tells Moses to go tell everyone (again) to not come up the mountain. Apparently God is very concerned that they will charge up there to try to see him, and then die. Because God himself would kill them. He could just... not kill them. But what fun would that be.
So, again, Moses is acting as messenger. How is this "appearing to everybody" thing any different than usual?
Ah, here we go. God does address everybody, with the 10 commandments, which everyone knows about.
There was this funny tidbit in the "no idols" one:
I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.Got that right.
Then God is talking to just Moses again. God says, tell them "no idols!" again. Apparently that is the most important one. God also says to tell them to be sure to build alters to me, and to sacrifice burnt offerings on it. But, random alter rules: "you will defile it if you use a tool on it" and "do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it." WTF? I don't even know what that second one means. I imagine someone going up on an alter by a set of stairs, and then suddenly their clothes vanish. I guess God is a fan of sight gags? And really hates stairs?
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